Animaniacs of the Caribbean: COTBP
by avesjohn
Summary: This is a parody of Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, with the characters from Animaniacs in most of the lead roles Norrington and Gibbs excluded. All other roles are presumably being played by the same human actors from before.
1. Cast List

_Animaniacs of the Caribbean: _Cast List

**Jack Sparrow** _Yakko_

**Elizabeth Swann** _Dot _

**Will Turner** _Wakko_

**James Norrington** _Jack Davenport_

**Governor Swann** _Dr. Otto Scratchansniff_

**Barbossa** _Ralph_

**Davy Jones** _Runt_

**Beckett** _Plotz_

**Pintel** _Brain_

**Raggeti** _Pinky_

**Tia Dalma** _Rita_

**Anamaria** _Slappy Squirrel_

**Gibbs** _Kevin McNally_

**Marty** _Skippy Squirrel _

**Cotton** _The Mime_

**Cotton's "Parrot(s)"** _the Goodfeathers (Bobby, Pesto, and Squit)_

**Murtogg** _Buttons_

**Mullroy** _Mindy_

**Scarlett** _Hello Nurse_

**Giselle** _Minerva Mink_

**Sub-Lieutenant Boo** _Chicken Boo_


	2. Elizabeth's Dream

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Young Elizabeth (_singing softly at bow of ship_):** We pillage and plunder, we rifle and loot/ Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho/ We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot/ Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho/ Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me…we…._AAAAAHHHH!_ (_Gibbs puts his hand on her shoulder, starling her. She goes flying high,, leaving a little white cloud behind her, before falling back down, hard on to the deck)._

**Gibbs: **Quiet, missy! Cursed pirates sail these waters. You don't want to bring them down on us, now, do ya?!

**Norrington: **Mr. Gibbs, that will do!

**Gibbs: **She was singing about pirates. Bad luck to be singing about pirates with us mired in this unnatural fog. Mark my words.

**Norrington: **Consider them marked. On your way.

**Gibbs:** Aye, Lieutenant. It's bad luck to have a woman onboard, too. Even a miniature one.

**Young Elizabeth: **Are you calling me small?!

**Norrington:** You are small, Miss Swann. Not only that, but you have yet to understand pirates for what they really are: vile and dissolute creatures, the lot of them.

**Young Elizabeth: **I think pirates are _cute_!

**Norrington: **I think any man who sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand should get what he deserves: a short drop and a sudden stop. _(Elizabeth turns to Gibbs, who mimes a hanging_)

**Young Elizabeth: **Well, you're no fun!

**Governor Swann (_in a thick Austrian accent)_: **Lieutenant Norrington, I appreciate your fervor, but I'm concerned about the effect this subject will have on my daughter, yeah?

**Norrington: **My apologies, Governor Swann.

**Young Elizabeth:** I think you're a little late, pops.

**Governor Swann:** Oh, dear. That concerns me, yeah?

**Young Elizabeth:** Darn right it concerns you. _(sees a parasol and then a piece of wreckage with a boy on it in the water. The boy is dressed in a blue shirt and is wearing a red cap, and his tongue is sticking out)_ Look! A boy! There's a boy in the water!

**Norrington:** Man overboard! Man the ropes! Fetch a hook! Haul him aboard! _(They do so.)_ He's still breathing.

**Gibbs (_spotting burning ship_):** Mary, Mother of God!

**Young Elizabeth:** Hey! I thought this was a children's movie!

**Governor Swann: **What happened here, yeah?

**Norrington:** Most likely the powder magazine. Merchant vessels run heavily armed.

**Gibbs: **A lot of good it did them. Everyone's thinking it, I'm just saying it: _pirates_.

**Young Elizabeth:** _Ooh!_ Where?

**Governor Swann:** There's no proof of that. It was probably an accident, yeah?

**Norrington:** Rouse the Captain immediately! Heave to and take in sail! Launch the boats!

**Governor Swann:** Elizabeth, I want you to accompany the boy. He'll be in your charge. Take care of him, yeah? _(She nods and walks over to young Will)_

**Young Elizabeth (_wakes Will up; he grabs her wrist_):** It's okay. My name's Elizabeth Swann. But you can call me _Dot._

**Young Will: **W-W-Will Turner. Call me Wakko.

**Young Elizabeth:** I'm watching over you, Wakko. (_Will faints. She takes medallion and examines it.)_ You're a _pirate!_

**Norrington: **Has he said anything?

**Young Elizabeth (_hiding medallion)_:** His name's Will Turner. That's all I found out.

**Norrington (_to sailors_):** Take him below.

**Young Elizabeth: **Oh yeah. He also said to call him Wakko.

**Norrington:** Wakko?

**Young Elizabeth:** Wakko.

**Norrington:** What kind of man bears the name Wakko?

**Young Elizabeth:** Apparently he does.

**Norrington:** Yes, I know that, Miss Swann. I meant what _kind_ of person would have that name, not _who_ already has it, because we already _know_ who has it, and that's him.

**Young Elizabeth:** That's what I said.

**Norrington:** No, you said _he_ has the name, you didn't say what kind of person he would have to be to _have_ the name. (_Pause.)_ What kind of person is he? Is there something you're not telling me?

**Young Elizabeth: **There's lots of things I'm not telling you, Norry.

**Norrington (_stepping up to her, sternly_):** Like what, Miss Swann?! _Speak_!

**Young Elizabeth:** Well, for one thing, your fly's undone.

**Norrington:** My what? (_Looks down at pants_) Oh dear… (_Runs off_)

_(Young Elizabeth studies medallion closer and upon looking up, sees a ship with a black flag flying at its mast. She closes her eyes)_


	3. The Dress And The Sword

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Elizabeth awakes and decides to take out the medallion from its hiding place in her drawer; she puts it on, and then there's a knock at the door)_

**Governor Swann:** Elizabeth? Are you all right? Are you decent, yeah?

**Elizabeth (_hides medallion in bodice of nightgown, throws on nightgown_):** Yes, yes!

**Governor Swann:** Still abed at this hour, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** Yeah. _(Maids open curtains and window)_

**Governor Swann: **It's a beautiful day, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** Yeah.

**Governor Swann:** I have a gift for you, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** Yeah? Really? For me?! _(Governor reveals dress.) _Ooh! It's so pretty!

**Governor Swann:** It is, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** May I inquire as to the occasion?

**Governor Swann:** Does a father need an occasion to dote upon his daughter?

**Elizabeth:** You forgot to say "yeah," pops.

**Governor Swann:** What?

**Elizabeth: **You need to say "yeah".

**Governor Swann:** What are you talking about?

**Elizabeth:** Say "yeah" again.

**Governor Swann:** But why?

**Elizabeth:** Because that's what you do.

**Governor Swann:** Oh. You are giving me a headache….

**Elizabeth:** I'm the rebellious teenage daughter. What do you expect? _(Maids grab her, pull her behind wardrobe to change her)_

**Governor Swann:** The _what_?! Oh, never mind. (_To maids)_ Actually, I had hoped you might wear that dress for the ceremony today, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** Yay! You said "yeah"!

**Governor Swann:** No, I said ceremony. There is a ceremony today, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** What ceremony?

**Governor Swann:** Captain Norrington's promotion ceremony, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** I knew it! …Sounds boring.

**Governor Swann:** Commodore Norrington, he's about to become! _(maids lace Elizabeth up into a corset_) A fine gentlemen, yeah? He fancies you, you know, yeah? Elizabeth? How's it coming, yeah?

**Elizabeth _(to maid)_:** Hey! _Watch it!_ _(to Governor_) It's difficult to say...

**Governor Swann:** I'm told it's the latest fashion in London, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** We're not in London anymore, pops.

**Servant (_to Governor)_:** My lord, you have a visitor.

_(Will studies a sconce and upon touching it, a piece comes off in his hand; he reaches behind his back and pulls out a cartoonishly large hammer and nails, and he tries hammering the piece back on; but instead, he starts to crack the wall, but before he realizes this, the whole wall crumbles to pieces.)_

**Governor Swann (_following servant, walking downstairs)_:** Ah, Mr. Turner, good to…_AAAAAAHHHHH!_ _What happened here?!_

_(Will looks at crumbled wall in back of him, then at hammer and nails in hands, then at Governor)_

**Will:** I didn't do it.

**Governor Swann (_sighs)_:** Oh well…. You have my order, yeah?

_(Will tosses aside hammer and nails and sets case down on table. Governor takes out sword and unsheathes.)_

**Governor Swann (_admiring sword)_:** Well. Very good, yeah?

**Will: **The blade is folded steel. That's gold filigree laid into the handle. If I may? (_Takes sword, studies it, then runs off with it into another room)_

**Governor Swann:** _That's the Commodore's sword! What are you doing?!_

**Will (_offscreen, gleefully)_: **I'm just trying it out!

**Governor Swann:** But— _(he is cut off by the sound of tearing flesh, and a woman screaming; a maid comes running into the room, past the Governor, then Will reenters, carrying the now blood-stained sword)_

**Governor Swann:** _The Commodore's sword!_

**Will:** I think I solved your rat problem, Governor. No need to thank me.

**Governor Swann:** Oh, I _won't_ thank you, Mr. Turner! Not now, not ever!

**Will:** Well that's not very nice! Where's your manners?

_(They both turn to see Elizabeth coming down stairs in dress)_

**Governor Swann:** Oh Elizabeth. You look absolutely stunning, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** Hey pops, what happened to the wall?

**Governor Swann:** It was _him._ (_points angry finger at Will behind him)_

**Will:** I didn't do it.

**Governor Swann:** And give me back that sword! (_takes back sword and puts it away in its case and sheath)_ Your Master must have learned to put up with you, yeah?

**Will:** No, he hasn't.

**Governor Swann:** Then _why_ is he still your Master?!

**Elizabeth:** Hey, it's Will! I had a dream about you last night.

**Will:** About me?

**Governor Swann:** Yes, well, is that entirely proper to—

**Elizabeth:** About the day we met, do you remember?

**Will:** How could I forget, Miss Swann?

**Elizabeth:** Will, how many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth? Or better yet, Dot? Or even better, Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca…the Third?

**Will:** Why don't you call me Wakko?!

**Governor Swann: **Please, let's not get into a fight, yeah?

**Will and Elizabeth:** _SHUT UP!!!_

**Governor Swann (_feebly)_:** Okay. _(retreats)_

**Will:** Call me Wakko!

**Elizabeth:** Call me Dot!

**Will:** Call me Wakko!

**Elizabeth:** Call me Dot!

**Will:** Call me Wakko!

**Elizabeth:** Call me _DOT!_

**Will:** Or else what?

**Elizabeth:** Or you meet my pet.

**Governor Swann:** What pet, Elizabeth? When did you get a pet?

**Will:** It wasn't a rat, was it?

**Elizabeth:** No. He's in this little box. (_pulls out a small, colorful box)_

**Governor Swann:** Oh dear.

**Elizabeth:** Don't mess with me, Wakko.

**Will:** I won't, Dottie. I promise.

**Elizabeth:** _DOTTIE?! That's it!_ (_opens box, and a massive green legless monster pops out, roaring_)

**Will and Governor Swann:** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

_(Elizabeth closes the box and the monster disappears)_

**Elizabeth:** Call me Dottie and you die.

**Will:** Okay. Truce.

**Governor Swann:** Oh, look at the _time_! Elizabeth, we really _must_ be going. _(hands her a parasol)_ There you are.

**Elizabeth:** Good day, Mr. Turner.

**Governor Swann:** Come along, yeah? _(he and Elizabeth get in carriage; it leaves)_

**Will: **Good day… Elizabeth.

**Elizabeth _(offscreen):_** _DOT! _It's _DOT!_ My name is _DOT!_


	4. Enter Jack Sparrow

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Jack stands on the mast of his boat, which is filling up with water; he jumps down to bail it out in buckets; notices three pirate skeletons dangling with a sign, "Pirates, ye be warned" and puts hat to his heart; the boat sinks lower and lower until he is at the dock and simply able to walk off mast)_

**Harbormaster:** W-What? Hey! Hold up there, you! It's a shilling to tie up your boat at the dock. _(They both look at sunken boat.)_ And I shall need to know your name.

**Jack (_hands him three shillings)_:** What d'ye say to three shillings, and we forget the name?

**Harbormaster:** Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Smith. _(Both start to walk off, then Jack turns around and speaks)_

**Jack:** Oh, one thing, sir.

**Harbormaster:** Um…yes?

**Jack:** You might want to release the little guy in your services here. _(points to black child; harbormaster looks at child, then back at Jack)_ I'm just letting you know, putting them into service against their will won't do you any good in the end.

**Harbormaster:** Why is that?

**Jack:** _This_ is what the pent-up anger's going to turn into. _(Pulls out CD player, clicks "play" and 50 Cent's "Candy Shop" starts emanating through speakers_) _Rap music._ Free the slaves, homie. _(gives peace sign and exits)_

_(At promotion ceremony, shouted orders to soldiers "Two paces march! Right about face! Present arms!" Norrington walks to get his promotion, unsheathes "new" sword)_

**Norrington:** This sword is bloody.

**Governor Swann:** I'm terribly sorry, Commodore. It was the blacksmith. He was being a fool, yeah?

**Norrington:** No doubt about that, Governor.

_(Jack walks toward Interceptor, but is blocked by Murtogg and Mullroy; Murtogg growls, as he is a dog)_

**Jack:** Off-limits to civilians, eh? _(to audience)_ That's right, I can understand Doggish. _(to Murtogg and Mullroy) _Sorry I didn't know. If I see one, I shall inform you immediately. _(Tries walking toward ship again, but is again blocked)_ Apparently there's some high-toned and fancy to do up at the fort, eh? How could it be that an upstanding dog and a child such as yourselves did not merit an invitation? _(Murtogg speaks doggish)_ That's a _fine_ goal, to be sure, but it seems to be that a ship like _that_ (_pointing out the Dauntless_) makes this one here a bit superfluous, really. _(Murtogg speaks doggish)_ You mean this one's faster? I _did not_ know that. But I've heard a ship that's supposed to be even faster, nigh uncatachable: the _Black Pearl_. What do you say to _that_?

**Mullroy (_laughs)_:** There's no _real_ ship that can match the _Interceptor_, Mr. Man. _(Murtogg speaks doggish.)_ Real? No, it isn't! _(Doggish)_ Buttons saw it? _(Doggish)_ No, you haven't, silly puppy! _(Doggish)_ You've seen a ship with black sails that's crewed by the damned, and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out?

**Jack (_to audience)_:** Kids these days. They grow up so fast, eh? _(makes for Interceptor)_

**Mullroy:** I thought not. _(Doggish)_ Ooh! Black sails! And no ship that's not crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out could _possibly_ have black sails, therefore couldn't _possibly_ be any other ship than the _Black Pearl_. Is that what you're saying? _(Doggish)_ Like I said, there's no real ship as can match the _Interceptor_… (_notices Jack at wheel)_ Hey, you! Get away from there! _(points gun at Jack)_

_(Murtogg growls at Jack)_

**Jack:** I-I'm sorry, it's just, it's such a pretty boat…_ship_.

_(Murtogg growls)_

**Jack:** What's my name? Hmm…let's go with George Carlin.

**Mullroy:** What's your purpose in Port Royal, _Mr. Carlin_? _(Murtogg barks)_

**Jack:** Well then, I confess. It is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer me weasly black guts out.

_(Murtogg barks confusedly)_

**Mullroy:** I think he's telling the truth. _(Murtogg speaks Doggish to Mullroy.)_

**Jack:** Unless, of course, he knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if he told it to you. _(Murtogg and Mullroy exchange confused glances.)_ _(To audience)_ Can someone tell me why we're giving this kid a gun?

_(On battlements of the fort)_ **Norrington (_to Elizabeth)_:** May I have a moment?

**Elizabeth:** Sure, let me check my calendar. _(Pulls out calendar on Palm-Pilot)_ When are you free?

**Norrington:** Right _now_, Elizabeth.

**Elizabeth:** Then why are you asking? _(He motions her over to the platform, where she tries to steady herself and fans rather hastily)_ You look lovely, Elizabeth.

**Elizabeth:** Tell me something I don't know, Norry.

**Norrington:** All right, um…I apologize if this seems forward, but I must speak my mind. This promotion throws into sharp relief that which I have not yet achieved.

**Elizabeth (_beginning to lose breath)_:** Uh-huh.

**Norrington:** …A marriage to a fine woman. You have become a fine woman, Elizabeth.

**Elizabeth (_realizing she's going to fall)_:** Uh-oh.

**Norrington (_not noticing her)_:** Yes, it's quite hard to believe, isn't it? _(she falls over battlement)_


	5. Rescue And Escape

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

**Jack (_to Murtogg and Mullroy)_:** And then the censors came in and took out all the good stuff.

**Norrington:** Elizabeth? _(looks down)_ _Elizabeth!_ Oh my God! _(makes to jump in after her)_

**Gillette (_stops him)_:** Sir! The rocks! It's a miracle she missed them!

**Jack (_to Murtogg and Mullroy)_:** Will you be saving her then? _(Murtogg whimpers)_

**Mullroy:** I can't swim, Mr. Man!

**Jack:** Then you obviously picked the wrong occupation. _(hands them his effects)_ Don't lose these. It'll leave a mark on your conscience. _(dives into water)_

**Mullroy:** Okay, I love you, bye-bye!

_(Jack rescues Elizabeth; the medallion calls, and Murtogg whimpers in fear; Jack brings Elizabeth to shore, leaving her dress behind; Murtogg and Mullroy help him; Murtogg nudges her, trying to wake her)_

**Jack:** Move! _(shoves him aside, cuts open Elizabeth's corset, she spits out water and gasps for breath)_

**Mullroy:** I never would've thought of that.

**Jack:** Clearly you've never been to Singapore.

**Mullroy:** Where have you been, Mr. Man?

**Jack:** Off the top of my head…_(sings)_ United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru / Republic Dominican, Cuba, Caribbean, Greenland, El Salvador, too / Puerto Rico. Colombia, Venezuela, Honduras, Guyana, and still / Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina, and Ecuador, Chile, Brazil/ Costa Rica, Belize _(Norrington puts sword to Jack's head)_ Nicaragua…

**Norrington:** On your feet.

**Jack:** I am on my feet. _(looks at sword)_ You mind moving that? You could poke someone's eye out with that thing.

**Governor Swann (_helping Elizabeth to her feet)_:** Elizabeth! You are all right, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** I'm fine, pops.

_(Governor sees Mullroy holding Elizabeth's corset)_

**Mullroy: _(points to Jack)_:** It was him, Mr. Man!

**Norrington (_notices Murtogg and Mullroy, then turns to others in navy_):** Why did we have a _dog_ and a _child_ guarding the _Interceptor_?

**Jack: **Don't forget that you gave 'em guns, too.

_(Norrington groans and takes guns from Murtogg strapped to his back in a belt of sorts and Mullroy, and hands them to Gillette)_

**Mullroy (_reaching for guns)_:** But Mr. Man—

**Norrington:** Tell me child: where is your mother?

**Mullroy:** My mother?

**Norrington:** Yes; the woman who bore you.

**Mullroy:** Bore?

**Norrington:** _The one who gave birth to you!_

**Mullroy:** Babies come from _inside_ mommies?

**Norrington:** _Yes._

**Mullroy:** How does _that_ happen, Mr. Man?

**Norrington (_rather embarrassed_):** _(to himself)_ _Bloody idiot. (to Mullroy) _When a man and woman come together in holy matrimony, they--

**Jack (_blows kiss to audience)_:** Good night, everybody!

**Norrington: **You are hereby released from naval service, soldier.

**Mullroy:** What?

**Norrington:** _Go home._

**Mullroy (_waving goodbye as he and Murtogg exit_):** Okay, I love you, bye-bye!

**Norrington (_looks at Jack, then turns to Governor)_:** What shall we do, Governor?

**Governor Swann:** This man removed my daughter's dress and corset! Shoot him, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** Father! Commodore, do you _really_ intend to kill my rescuer?

**Norrington:** I believe thanks are in order. _(offers hand to Jack to shake; reveals "P" for pirate)_ Had a brush with the East India Trading Company, did we, pirate?

**Jack:** How do _you_ know I didn't just get this at a tattoo parlor, huh?

**Governor Swann:** Hang him, yeah?

**Norrington: **Keep your guns on him, men. Gillette, fetch some irons. _(reveals tattoo of a sparrow in flight)_ Well, well? Jack Sparrow, isn't it?

**Jack:** Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please, sir.

**Norrington:** Well, I don't see your ship, Captain.

**Jack:** Looking for it might help, Commodore. _(Pause. Norrington losing temper.)_ I'm just kidding! You're right, I don't have a ship. I've come here to commandeer one! Oh, and those things you took from the dog and the kid…those are mine.

**Norrington:** Are they now? _(takes effects from a soldier)_ No additional shots nor powder. A compass that doesn't point north. _(unsheathes sword)_ And I half expected it to be made of wood.

**Jack _(to audience)_:** Good news, ladies! His standards are low!

**Norrington:** You are without a doubt the worst pirate I've ever heard of.

**Jack:** Let's think about that for a moment. Pirates are bad people. _Everybody_ knows that. I know that, you know that, she knows that, even the giant chicken knows that. So if I'm the _worst_ pirate, I'm actually the _best_ pirate, right?

**Norrington:** What giant chicken?

**Jack:** The one standing right behind you.

_(Everybody looks behind Norrington, looks at giant chicken in naval sailors' outfit)_ **Norrington: **That is no giant chicken, Mr. Sparrow. _That_ is Sub-Lieutenant Boo.

**Jack:** Sorry, didn't scare me. What'd you say his name was again?

**Norrington:** _Boo._ Sub-Lieutenant _Boo_!

**Jack: ** Commodore, you can't expect to scare me if you don't hide somewhere first.

**Norrington:** _I'M NOT TRYING TO SCARE YOU!_

**Jack:** Never mind. You just did. _(is put in chains)_ Say, these are really well made chains.

**Elizabeth:** Commodore, I really must protest!

**Norrington:** Carefully, Lieutenant.

**Elizabeth:** Pirate or not, this man saved my life!

**Norrington:** One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness.

**Jack:** Ooh, I _really_ like these chains! Where can I get some of my own?

**Norrington:** In the county jail, you'll have plenty.

**Elizabeth:** Hey, those _are_ nice! Commodore, can I have some, too?

**Norrington: **Elizabeth—

**Jack:** You can come see mine, if you like!

**Elizabeth: **Okay! _(goes to Jack, they study chains together)_

**Governor Swann:** What is she _doing_?

**Norrington:** I have _no_ idea.

**Elizabeth:** It's so _shiny_ and _pretty_! I wish I could have a necklace made from these chains!

**Jack:** Okay then! _(throws irons around Elizabeth's neck)_

**Elizabeth:** Aaaackk! You're _choking_ me!

**Jack:** My bad. _(starts to pull irons back, then thinks about situation, and keeps chains there)_ On second thought, I…let's keep the chains here just a _little_ bit longer….

_(soldiers point guns at Jack)_

**Governor Swann: **No! Don't shoot!

**Jack:** Listen up, guys: I'll release her if you give me my effects.

**Norrington:** We will give you your effects if you release her.

**Jack:** No you won't.

**Norrington:** Of _course_ I won't! You're a _pirate_!

**Jack:** Then you lied. _(to Elizabeth)_ He's a liar. You might want to keep that in mind if you marry him, Elizabeth. It is Elizabeth, isn't it?

**Elizabeth:** It's Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa—

**Jack: **Yeah, whatever. If you would be so kind. _(she is handed his effects and hat, then turns around to strap on said effects and put on his hat, etc.) _Come on now, don't have all day. I got a dentist appointment at three. Nasty cavity in my left molar.

**Elizabeth:** You're despicable.

**Jack:** Sorry, that catchphrase is already taken. _(turns her back around, and talks to men)_ Gentlemen…and my lady…you will always remember this as the day that you _almost_ caught Captain Jack Sparrow! _(pushes Elizabeth away escapes, swinging around and landing on a beam above their heads) (to audience)_ I love a good chase sequence.

**Governor Swann:** _Now_ will you shoot him?!

**Norrington:** Open fire! _(Jack is shot at)_ On his heels! _(Jack throws his chains abound a rope and slides down to ground, runs into city_) Gillette, Mr. Sparrow has a dawn appointment with the gallows. I would hate for him to miss it.

_(Soldiers searching for Jack: "Search upstairs! Look lively, men!")_


	6. Jack Vs Will

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Jack enters smithy, sees Mr. Brown drunk and sleeping, pokes him to see if he'll awake)_

**Jack:** _OOOGA BOOGA BOOGA! (Tries to break irons with hammer, but doesn't work; uses red hot end of metal rod to spur donkey; breaks links in irons by putting them on two turning wheels in machinery powered by donkey; Will enters, Jack hides)_

**Will (_seeing Mr. Brown)_:** _OOOGA BOOGA BOOGA! (sees hammer)_ Wait a minute! _That's_ not where I left you. _(notices Jack's hat, reaches for it, Jack enters with sword)_ Hey! You're the one they're hunting! The pirate!

**Jack:** You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before? Or am I just going senile?

**Will:** I make a point of avoiding familiarity with pirates.

**Jack:** Ah, then it would be a shame to put a black mark on your record. So, if you'll excuse me? _(turns away and is about to leave when Will draws sword)_ Do you think this wise, boy? Crossing blades with a pirate?

**Will: **You threatened Miss Swan.

**Jack: **You mean Elizabeth.

**Will:** Or Dot.

**Jack:** Or Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa something something.

**Will:** Yeah, her. You threatened her!

**Jack:** Not really. She _wanted_ the chains around her neck.

**Will:** Well, _that's_ strange.

**Jack:** I know. Women, huh?

**Will (_reemphasizing the fact that he's threatening Jack with a sword_):** Don't make me use this, pirate!

**Jack:** What pirate are you using? For what? I hope you're using them for something family-friendly. We got little kids in that audience, remember. _(points to audience)_

**Will:** Audience? _(looks at audience and waves gleefully)_ Hey! I'm on TV! Look what I can do, everybody! _(clears throat)_ Where's my announcer? _(all goes black, save a spotlight on Will)_

**Announcer:** The Great Wakkoroti will now perform "He's A Pirate."

_(Will burps "He's A Pirate"; at end, audience cheers and tosses in roses as lights go up)_

**Will (_bowing solemnly_):** Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

**Jack (_puts sword to Will's neck_):** So are we going to fight, or what?

**Will (_picking up roses_):** First let me put these roses away. They're so pretty, aren't they?

**Jack:** Uh-huh. _(waits as Will puts roses away; when he comes back, Jack draws sword and they begin dueling)_ You know what you're doing, I'll give you that. Excellent form. But how's your footwork?

**Will (_takes off shoe with one hand while clashing swords with the other_):** I think I have a bunion.

**Jack: **I didn't need to know that. _(sheathes sword and makes a break for door)_

**Will:** Hey! _(throws sword which gets stuck in door; Jack tries to pull it out, but is unsuccessful)_

**Jack:** Well, that is a _wonderful_ trick.

**Will:** I got plenty more. _(pulls off cap, pulls out a white rabbit)_ Look! It's a bunny!

**Jack: **Awww…how _cute_…._ (unsheathes sword at points it at Will and rabbit)_ But, you are once again between me and my way out. And now you have no weapon.

**Will:** But I have a bunny! _(picks up rabbit by ears)_

**Jack:** But not a _weapon_.

**Will:** Bring it on, pirate! _(swings rabbit around by ears like a sword, in Jack's direction)_

**Jack (_keeping sword out of range of rabbit_):** Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! The Humane Society will get you for that! Stop it!

**Will:** Who says a bunny can't be my weapon?!

**Jack:** Have you asked the bunny?

_(Will pauses, turns to bunny for answer)_

**Bunny (_in deep voice_):** _No._

**Will: **_Okay… (releases bunny)_ It was such a _cute_ bunny, too! _(sees swords, pulls one out, clashes with Jack again)_

**Jack:** Tell me, who makes all these swords?

**Will:** _I _do! And I practice with them, three hours a day!

**Jack:** You need to find yourself a girl, mate! Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch, are you? _(looks down at Will's crotch)_

**Will:** I practice three hours a day so that when I meet a pirate, I can _kill_ it!

**Jack:** Fair enough.

_(They continue their swordfight by jumping onto a cart that sways under them; Will hooks a knife in the irons hanging from Jack's left wrist and throws it up so it is embedded in the beam above; then Jack hits a loose board with his foot which throws Will off the cart; Jack uses his body weight, pushing his legs against the wood, to get the knife out; he falls back on the cart just as Will climbs back on; Will is thrown up into the rafters and cuts free a heavy sack which vaults Jack up into the rafters as well; they fight, jumping from beam to beam; Jack loses his weapon and blinds Will with sand from a sandbag; Jack takes out his pistol while Will protects his eyes)_

**Will: **Hey! You _cheated_!

**Jack:** Exactly. You're lucky we're not in Vegas; I'd be reeling in the green. _(hears men pounding at door)_ Okay, move away now.

**Will:** No!

**Jack:** Please move?

**Will:** _No!_

**Jack:** Pretty please with a cherry on top?

**Will: **_NO!_

**Jack:** I'll be your _friend_….

**Will: **_For Pete's sake, NOOOOOOO!_

**Jack:** This shot is not meant for you. _(is hit on head with alcohol bottle; falls unconscious; soldier as Norrington's men break through door: "There he is! Over here!")_

**Norrington:** Excellent work, Mr. Brown. You've assisted in the capture of a dangerous fugitive.

**Mr. Brown:** Just doing my civic duty, sir.

**Norrington (_turns to Will_):** Are you the one who ruined my sword?

**Will:** I didn't do it.

**Norrington:** _Right. (looks at fallen Jack) _Well, I trust you will always remember this as the day that Captain Jack Sparrow _almost_ escaped. Take him away.


	7. Attack On Port Royal

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Prisoners waving bone at dog with prison keys in jaws: "Come here boy. Want a nice juicy bone? Come here. Come on!")_

**Jack:** You can keep on doing that forever, the dog is _never_ going to move.

**Prisoner:** Oh, excuse us if we haven't resigned ourselves to the gallows just yet.

**Jack:** Well, at least I have my Gameboy. _(plays on Gameboy Advance)_ _All right! _Pikachu!

_(At Governor's house, in Elizabeth's room)_

**Estrella: **There you go, Miss. _(puts bed warmer between sheets)_ It was a difficult day for you, I'm sure.

**Elizabeth (_trying to read book_):** _Really? _You think so, smartypants?!

**Estrella:** Well, you were threatened by that pirate! That must have been terrifying.

**Elizabeth:** _You're_ terrifying.

**Estrella:** And the Commodore proposed! Fancy that. Now, that's a smart match, Miss, if it's not too bold to say.

**Elizabeth:** How are you not picking up on this?!

**Estrella: **Well, that Will Turner, he's a fine man, too.

**Elizabeth:** _GO AWAY!_

**Estrella:** Well, begging your pardon, Miss. It was not my place. _(exits)_

**Elizabeth (_fixated on book_): **It's never your place, honey. _(watches out of corner of eye as Estrella leaves)_ _(in a whisper)_ Yes! She's gone! _(pulls Gameboy Advance out of same drawer that she pulled out medallion) All right!_ Pikachu!

_(At the smithy, Will is seen playing on his Gameboy Advance)_

**Will:** _All right!_ Pikachu! _(pauses; hears sound, opens window, looks out onto deserted street as cat runs by)_

_(At top of fort)_ **Governor Swann:** Has my daughter given you an answer yet?

**Norrington:** No, she hasn't.

**Governor Swann:** Well, she has had a very trying day, yeah? _(pauses)_ Ghastly weather, yeah?

**Norrington:** Bleak. Very bleak.

**Governor Swann:** What is that sound?

**Norrington: **_Cannon fire! (tackles Governor)_ Return fire!

_(In jail cell)_ **Jack:** I know those cannons. _(looks out of little window)_ It's the _Pearl_.

**Prisoner:** The _Black Pearl_? _(to other prisoner)_ I've heard stories. She's been preying on ships and settlements for near ten years. Never leaves any survivors.

**Jack:** No survivors? Bummer. But then where do the stories come from, I wonder?

_(The Pearl's guns are destroying battlements, pirates coming ashore in boats; we see Pintel reading miniature script)_

**Pintel:** Our scene is coming up, Pinky. Now, do you remember what you have to do?

**Raggeti:** No, Brain, I don't think I do. _(absorbed in Gameboy Advance)_

**Pintel (_turns to Raggeti_):** Pinky, what are you doing?

**Raggeti:** Well, I'm playing on my Gameboy, Brain! _(shows Pintel screen)_ Narf! Look! Pikachu!

**Pintel:** May I see that for a moment?

**Raggeti:** Sure, Brain. _(hands him Gameboy; Pintel whacks him on the head with it, then tosses it aside)_

**Pintel:** This is important, Pinky! Do you know your lines?!

**Raggeti:** No.

**Pintel:** Have you _studied_ them?

**Raggeti:** No.

**Pintel:** Do me a favor, Pinky. Next time I ask you a question, please lie to me. _(Enters city, Raggeti follows him)_

_(Will takes a sword, a hatchet, and a knife to fight, saves a maid by killing a pirate with his hatchet)_

**Will:** Sorry, sir! I was aiming for the lady!

_(At battlement) _**Norrington:** Sight the muzzle flash! _(Soldier: "Aim for the flashes!")_ I need a full strike, full and aft! Let these demons both bite at this! _(cannons shot in Pearl's direction)_ Governor, barricade yourself in my office. That's an order!

_(At Governor's house, pirates are banging at door; Elizabeth sees butler walking towards door)_

**Elizabeth:** Don't!

_(Butler opens door, nothing there. Looks down, sees Pintel and Raggeti at his feet; Pintel is holding a gun in one hand, script in other)_

**Butler:** Oh my God! Tiny pirates!

**Pintel:** Actually, we are two genetically altered laboratory mice posing as characters in a popular film as part of an intricate plan to take over the world! Now let's see here… _(murmurs to himself, looking over lines)_ Oh, yes. Here we are. _(clears throat)_ Um… "Hello, chum." _(fires gun, bullet goes straight up, tears through butler's forehead, he falls to floor dead)_ _(in shock at dead body) _Oh my.

**Raggeti:** What do we do next, Brain?

**Pintel:** It says we are to chase after the girl, Elizabeth, who is at the top of the stairs. _(he and Raggeti look up)_

**Raggeti (_joyous gasp_):** It's Dot, Brain!

**Pintel:** No, she is _Elizabeth._ And I am Pintel, and you are Raggeti. Now, follow me. _(they chase her upstairs)_

_(Elizabeth and Estella lock chamber door)_

**Estrella: **Miss Swann, they've come to kidnap you!

**Elizabeth (_coolly_):** Really? I didn't notice.

**Estrella:** You're the Governor's daughter!

**Elizabeth:** Uh-huh. What's your point? _(Pintel and Raggeti walk through hole in wall, appear at Elizabeth and Estrella's feet; Estrella gives girlish scream and runs off; Elizabeth reaches for bed warmer)_

**Raggeti (_grabbing Elizabeth's toe_):** To blaze with the code! _(pause)_ That is my line, isn't it, Brain?

**Pintel:** My name is _Pintel! PINTEL! (studies script)_ No! You're too far ahead, Raggeti!

**Raggeti:** _OW! IT'S HOT! YOU BURNED ME! OW!_

**Pintel: **There you go….um…let's see..._(turns to Elizabeth and Raggeti; is shocked to see Elizabeth banging him with bed warmer repeatedly)_ Oh my. _(Elizabeth sees Pintel, bangs him with bed warmer)_ _(as bed warmer comes down to crush him)_ This will not end well. _(is banged) OW! (Elizabeth runs off to other room; dizzy, Pintel then regains stability, studies script)_ Oh no! Pinky! We're supposed to be immortal!

**Raggeti (_very much beat up_):** That's news to me, Brain. Poit.

**Pintel:** We're not supposed to feel any pain!

**Raggeti:** Egad! Really?!

**Pintel:** I'm afraid so, Pinky. Do you realize what this means?

**Raggeti:** I can't say that I do.

**Pintel:** It _means_ that we've ruined our scene! It _means_ that the audience won't believe our acting! Their suspension of disbelief has ended! And it's all our fault.

**Raggeti:** _Narf…_

**Pintel (_returning to script_):** Come. Maybe, with some luck, we can redeem ourselves in the next scene. _(leads Raggeti into other room, where Elizabeth has long since hidden in closet)_

**Raggeti (_whispers_):** I don't see Dot anywhere, Brain.

**Pintel:** That's the whole idea, Pinky. We're not _supposed_ to know she's hiding the in closet.

**Raggeti:** But you just said we're not supposed to know.

**Pintel: **Our _characters_ are not supposed to know. _We_ are. _(clears throat, reads script)_ "We will find you, Poppet. You've got something of ours, and it calls to us. The gold calls to us."

**Raggeti:** Gold?!

**Pintel:** Yes, the _gold_. _(knocks on closet door)_ Excuse me? _(door opens, Elizabeth steps out, crushes Pintel beneath foot)_

**Elizabeth:** Hello? Who's there? _(looks down, sees Raggeti waving at her)_

**Raggeti:** Hi, Dot! It's me, Pinky!

**Elizabeth:** Where's the Brain? _(Raggeti points at Elizabeth's foot)_ Oh. _(moves foot)_

**Pintel (_reading script_):** Um… "'Ello, Poppet."

**Elizabeth:** What's my line again?

**Director (_off-screen_):** Parley!

**Elizabeth:** Oh, right. _(clears throat)_ Parley! I invoke the right of parley! According to the Code of the brethren, set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew, you have to take me to your captain.

**Pintel:** I know the Code.

**Raggeti:** You do?

**Pintel:** The script, Pinky.

**Raggeti:** Oh, right, right. Zort!

**Elizabeth:** If an adversary demands parley you can do them no harm until the parley is complete.

**Raggeti:** He's the spitting image of ol' Bootstrap Bill come back to haunt us!

**Pintel:** You are way too far ahead, Pinky. Anyway, she wants to be taken to the Captain. And she'll go without a fuss. We must honor the Code.

_(In street, Will is fighting with Grapple; Grabble holds Will, defenseless)_

**Grapple:** Say goodbye!

_(Out of nowhere, an anvil falls on Grapple's head)_

**Will:** Goodbye! _(turns, sees Elizabeth carrying Pintel and Raggeti to Pearl)_

**Elizabeth:** Will.

**Will:** Elizabeth. _(sees the pirate he killed earlier with hatchet, is confused; pirate says "Outta my way, scum!" and knocks Will on head; Will faints)_


	8. Onboard The Pearl

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

_(A cannon breaks the wall of a prison cell)_

**Prisoner (_to Jack_):** My sympathies, friend. You've no manner of luck at all.

**Jack (_absorbed in Gameboy_):** 'S okay. Just as long as I have my Gameboy!

**Prisoner (_sympathetically_):** You're a dead man, m' boy!

**Jack (_yawns_):** Just as long as I have my Gameboy, Mom. _(Prisoners exit, Jack watches then leave out of corner of his eye)_ All _right_! They're gone! _(grabs bone, sticks it through prison cell door; whistles)_ Come on, doggy! Let's play fetch! Go get it, go get it! _(throws bone down nearby stairwell; dog chases then comes back with bone, gives it to Jack)_ Oh, _good boy! Good boy! Fetch! (throws it down stairs again; we hear a feline screech, trash cans being hit)_

_(Suddenly, a crash as the prison guard is thrown down the other set of stairs)_

**Twigg:** This ain't the armory!

**Jack:** No, it isn't. If you're looking for an empty cell, this one next me was just vacated. _(points to adjacent cell with thumb)_ Low rent, great view, and a draft! What more you could ask for? Am I right? Am I right?

**Koehler: **Well, if it isn't Captain Jack Sparrow.

**Twigg (_spits_):** Last time I saw you, you were all alone on a godforsaken island, shrinking into the distance. His fortunes aren't improved much.

**Jack:** Worry about your own fortunes, gentlemen. The deepest circle of Hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers, and also telemarketers and lawyers. _(Koehler grabs Jack's neck)_ I'm sorry! I didn't know you knew any telemarketers! _(sees Koehler's skeletal arm)_ _Oh._ So there is a curse. That's interesting.

**Koehler: **You know nothing of Hell. _(leaves with Twigg)_

**Jack:** Oh, come on! You're just gonna give up a great cell like this one?! We could be neighbors! Roomies even! _Come back!_

_(Elizabeth, carrying Pintel and Raggeti, is rowed to Pearl with pirates; now onboard Black Pearl)_

**Bo'sun:** I didn't know we was takin' on captives!

**Pintel:** She's invoked the right of parley with Captain Barbossa.

**Raggeti: **Troz!

**Elizabeth:** I'm here to negotiate—

**Bo'sun (_slaps her across face_): **You will speak when spoken to!

**Elizabeth:** Where's your manners, bub? Didn't you ever learn not to hit a lady?!

**Barbossa (_grabs Bo'sun's wrist_):** And youse not lay a hands on those unders the protection of parleys.

**Elizabeth (_raises eyebrow, turns to Pintel and Raggeti_):** _This_ is your captain?

**Raggeti (_nodding_):**_Narf._

**Barbossa:** Mys apologies, Miss.

**Elizabeth:** Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal.

**Barbossa:** Um…there'ses a lot of long wordses in there, Miss; weses naught but humble pirateses. What is it that youses want?

**Elizabeth:** I want you to leave and never come back. How's about that?

**Barbossa:** Um… _(scratches head)_

**Pintel:** Excuse me a moment. _(walks over to Barbossa, climbs up his shoe, pant leg, and shirt up to ear, whispers in it, then walks back to where he was)_

**Barbossa:** I am disinclined to acquiesce your request!

_(Elizabeth turns blankly to Pintel)_

**Pintel:** That means "no."

**Elizabeth:** Very well. I'll drop it. _(dangles medallion over sea)_

**Barbossa:** Me holdses are burstin' with swag. That bits of golds matterses to us?..._Why?! WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?!_

**Elizabeth:** It's what you've been searching for. I recognized the ship. I saw it eight years ago on the crossing from England. Plus one other time when I was skinnydipping and nobody noticed.

**Barbossa:** You didses?

**Elizabeth:** Fine. Well, I suppose if it is worthless than there's no point in me keeping it. _(medallion drops a bit, pirates lunge forward)_

**Barbossa:** Ah…um… _(scratches head)_

**Pintel:** Ask for her _name_, Captain.

**Barbossa:** Do youses haves a name….Missy?

**Elizabeth:** You honestly think I'm Missy Elliot?

**Bo'sun (_forcefully grips her arm_):** _What_ is your name?

**Elizabeth:** _I_ am Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the third…Turner. But you can call me _Dot_!

**Barbossa (_to crew_):** Miss _Turner_?!

**Pintel (_to Raggeti_):** Bootstrap.

**Raggeti (_looking at his own bootstraps_):** What? Are they broken? _(Pintel bops him on head) Ow!_

**Barbossa: **And howses does a maid like youses come to ownses a trinketses such as thatses? Family heirloomses, perhaps?

**Elizabeth:** I never said I was a maid.

**Barbossa:** Yes you didses!

**Elizabeth:** No, I didn't!

**Barbossa (_pointing angry finger_): **You didses! You dideses!

**Elizabeth (_to audience_):** Whoa, dumber than advertised.

**Pintel (_to himself_):** I'm surrounded by idiots.

**Elizabeth:** Well, I didn't _steal_ this thing, I'll tell you that.

**Barbossa: **Okayses. You hands it overs and we'llses puts your town to ours rudder and ne'er return.

**Elizabeth (_after handing over medallion_):** _Hey!_ What about our bargain?! _HEY!_

**Barbossa:** Stillses the guns and stows 'em! Signals the men, sets the flags and make goods to clears ports!

**Elizabeth:** _Wait!_ You have to take me to shore! According to the Code of the Order of the Brethren—

**Barbossa (_is about to say something to her with raised finger, but is too dumb to remember it_):** Um…

**Pintel (_sighs_):** First, your return to shore was not part of our agreement and so I must do nothing. And secondly, you must be a pirate for the pirate's code to apply and you're not. And thirdly, the code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules. Welcome aboard the _Black Pearl_, Miss Turner. _(calmly exits)_ This is _ridiculous_. _I_ should be captain of this ship! Come Raggeti, let us go to our post. We must plan for tomorrow.

**Raggeti:** Why? What are going to do tomorrow, Pintel?

**Pintel:** The same thing we should do every day, Raggeti: try to take over the _Pearl_!


	9. The Plan And Rescuing Jack

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

_(Will awakes in street next morning, rushes over to Norrington, Governor Swann, etc, who are looking over a map)_

**Will:** They've taken her! They've taken Elizabeth! _(checks pockets)_ _No!_ They took my Gameboy, too! _No! NO! Why?! (falls to knees, crying)_

**Norrington:** Could someone please remove this man? He's embarrassing me. _(Murtogg barks)_

**Mullroy:** Okay, Mr. Man. _(Norrington turns to see Murtogg and Mullroy, the dog and the little kid, dressed in navy attire and carrying guns, walking towards Will)_

**Norrington:** Oh, for _God's_ sake…

**Mullroy (_grabbing Will's arm, pulling him_):** Time to go, Mr. Man!

**Will:** But we have to hunt them down! We have to save her! Let go of me!

**Governor Swann:** And where do you propose we start, yeah? If you have any information concerning my daughter, please share it, yeah? _(Murtogg barks)_

**Will:** Jack Sparrow talked about the _Pearl_?!

**Mullroy:** Mentioned it, is more what he did.

**Will:** Ask him where it is! Make a deal with him! He could lead us to it! I want my Gameboy!

**Norrington:** No, the pirates who invaded this Fort left Sparrow locked in his cell, ergo, they are not his allies. Governor, we will establish their most likely course— _(is whacked on head with cartoonishly large wooden mallet by Will, pulled from behind his back; Governor screams; birds and stars around Norrington's head)_

**Will:** That's not good enough!

**Norrington (_shaking away his dizziness_):** Mr. Turner, you are not a military man, you are not a sailor. You are a blacksmith, and you ruined my sword.

**Will:** I didn't do it.

**Norrington (_unsheathing sword_):** Look at this, Mr. Turner. Stained with blood all over. Seeing as Mr. Brown is a thousand times more civilized and responsible than you, that leaves only one other culprit. _(puts sword tip to Will's neck)_ Do you know who that is?

**Will:** Harry Shearer?

**Norrington:** _You_, Mr. Turner.

**Will:** It's not my fault! I didn't ruin your sword! The _rat_ did!

**Norrington:** _Who_ tore the sword into the rat?

**Will:** Harry Shearer?

**Norrington:** _You did!_

**Governor Swann:** Please stop, Commodore. This is not the moment for rash actions, yeah?

**Norrington (_sheathes sword_):** Mr. Turner, do not make the mistake of thinking you are the only one here who cares for Elizabeth. _(Pause, then is hit on the head with cartoonishly large wooden mallet again by Will)_

**Will (_to audience_):** I just felt like doing that one more time!

_(In jail cell, Jack is trying to pick open cell lock with a bone; then he hears footsteps, leaves bone in lock, and lies down on back)_

**Will:** You! Sparrow!

**Jack:** Aye.

**Will:** You are familiar with that ship? The _Black Pearl_?

**Jack:** Eh. I've heard of it.

**Will:** Where does it make berth?

**Jack:** I think the maternity ward is downstairs, pal.

**Will:** No! Where does the _Black Pearl_ come to dock?

**Jack:** _Oh._ Have you not heard the stories? Captain Barbossa and his crew of miscreants sail from the dreaded Isla de Muerta _(random thunder and lightning)_. It's an island that cannot be found _except_ by those who already know where it is.

**Will:** The ship's real enough. Therefore its anchorage must be a real place. Where is it?

**Jack (_playing Gameboy_):** Why ask me?

**Will: **Because you're a pirate!

**Jack:** And you want to turn pirate yourself, is that it?

**Will:** _Never!_...They took my Gameboy.

**Jack:** Oh, so it _is_ that you've found a…never mind. _(resumes playing Gameboy Advance)_ Well, you'll have to do it alone, mate. I see no profit in it for me.

**Will:** I can get you out of here.

**Jack:** How's that? The key's run off.

**Will:** I helped build these cells. These are half pin-barrel hinges._ (picks up bench, places it at bottom of cell door)_ With the right leverage and the proper application of strength, the door will lift free.

**Jack:** What's your name?

**Will:** Will Turner.

**Jack:** That will be short for William, I imagine. Good strong name. No doubt, named for William Hung, eh?

**Will: **_How DARE you! _I'm named for my father.

**Jack:** Uh-huh. That was my second guess. Well, Mr. Turner, I've changed me mind. If you spring me from this cell I swear on pain of death I shall take you to the _Black Pearl_ and your Gameboy. Do we have an accord?

**Will (_as they shake hands_):** Agreed.

**Jack:** Agreed. Get me out.

**Will (_lifts door free_):** Hurry. Someone will have heard that.

**Jack:** They'll also have had heard this. _(blows air horn, then grabs rest of his effects)_ Come on. Let's skedaddle.


	10. Commandeering The Interceptor

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Will:** We're going to steal a ship? _That_ ship? _(looks at Dauntless)_

**Jack:** Commandeer. We're going to _commandeer_ that ship. Nautical term. One question about your business, fella, or there's no use going. This Gameboy, how far are you willing to go for it?

**Will:** Well, I really want to play on it again.

**Jack:** Would you die for it?

**Will:** I guess it depends. Will I be getting Kyogre?

**Jack:** I can trade you.

**Will:** Deal. _(they shake hands again)_ Okay, I'd die for it.

**Jack:** And what about your bonny lass?

**Will:** How did you know they took her? I never told you that.

**Jack (_shrugs_): **I just had a feeling.

_(Walking underwater under boat, Jack in lead)_ **Will:** This is either madness or brilliance.

**Jack:** It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide. _(after boarding Dauntless with Will)_ Everyone stay calm! _(Will and Jack pretend to search deck)_

_(Men look and murmur at each other in confusion)_

**Jack:** He got away!

**Gillette:** You're supposed to be in jail, Mr. Sparrow.

**Jack:** Don't you understand, Lieutenant?! Quick, get off the ship!

**Gillette (_laughing_):** I'm not going to fall for that. _What_ is on this ship?

**Jack:** Let me put it this way…have you all had your shots? _(Frightened, Gillette and other men scramble off Dauntless)_ _(to Will, laughing)_ Oh man. That gets 'em every time!

**Groves (_noticing Gillette and men on small boat_):** Commodore!

**Gillette (_waving and screaming from boat_):** Sir, there's something on the _Dauntless_!

**Norrington (_seeing Will and Jack on Dauntless through spyglass)_:** You don't say. That is without a doubt the worst pirate I have ever seen.

**Will (_seeing Interceptor coming_):** Here they come.

**Gillette (_to crew aboard small boat_):** Bring her around! Bring her around!

**Norrington (_he and his men aboard Dauntless)_:** Search every hold, every hold, down to the bilges!

**Jack (_while swinging with Will onto Interceptor_):** Good luck finding us!

**Norrington (_noticing them_):** That's what we're hoping for! _(resumes ordering men, then realizes situation and pauses)_ Sailors! Back to the _Interceptor_ now! _(Sailors try but are too late, one falls into water)_

**Jack:** Thank you, Commodore, for getting us ready to make way. We'd have had a hard time of it by ourselves!

**Norrington:** Set top sails and clear up this mess!

**Groves:** With the wind at quarter astern, we won't catch them.

**Norrington:** We don't need to catch them, just get them in range of the long lines.

**Groves:** Hands, come about! Run out the guns! _(To Norrington)_ We open fire on our own ship, sir?

**Norrington:** I would rather see her at the bottom of the ocean than in the hands of a pirate or a maniac like him.

**Jack (_far off in distance, offscreen_):** You mean an _Ani_maniac!

**Sailor:** Commodore, he's disabled the rudder chain, sir!

**Gillette (_as the Interceptor bears down on his boat)_:** Abandon ship! _(they jump off just in time as Interceptor tears through and sinks boat)_

**Groves:** That's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen.

**Norrington:** So it would seem.


	11. Will's Father And Tortuga

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Will (_sharpening his sword_):** When I was a lad living in England, my mother raised me by herself. After she died, I came here, looking for my father.

**Jack:** Is that so?

**Will:** My father, Will Turner. At the jail, it was only after you learned my name that you agreed to help. Since that's what I wanted, I didn't press the matter. I'm not a simpleton, Jack.

**Jack:** That's news to me.

**Will:** You knew my father.

**Jack:** I knew him. Probably one of the few who knew him as William Turner. Everyone else just called him Bootstrap or Bootstrap Bill, or Big Red.

**Will:** Big Red? What's that mean?

**Jack:** I'm afraid the ratings system prohibits me from telling you, Will.

**Will:** I'm sorry. Can you tell me what Bootstrap means, then? _(Jack hands him a huge bulky dictionary)_

**Jack:** Good man. Good pirate. I swear you look just like him.

**Will _(tossing aside dictionary_):** It's not true! He was a merchant sailor. A good, respectable man who obeyed the law.

**Jack:** He was a bloody pirate, a scallywag.

**Will (_unsheathes sword_):** My father was not a pirate.

**Jack:** Put it away, son. It's not worth you getting beat again.

**Will:** You didn't beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I'd kill you.

**Jack:** Then that's not much incentive for me to fight fair, then, is it? _(he moves one of the sails so that the yard catches Will and swings him out over the sea)_ Now, as long as you're hanging there, pay attention. The only rules that really matter are these: what a man _can_ do and what a man _can't_ do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that someday. Now, me, for example, I can let you drown, but I can't bring this shop into Tortuga all by me onesy, savvy? So? _(swings Will back on board and offers him his sword)_ Can you sail under the command of a pirate? Or can you not?

**Will (_taking back his sword_):** Tortuga?

**Jack:** Actually, first we have to make a stop at the Kodak Theatre, so I can pick up my well-deserved Oscar for making that speech.

_(Suddenly they are transported there simply by a falling backdrop; Will looks at himself, spontaneously dressed in a tuxedo, sitting next to Elizabeth in a dress on his right, and Pintel and Raggeti on his left; Jack is onstage at podium, Oscar statuette in hand)_

**Raggeti:** Cheer up, Brain!

**Pintel (_arms crossed_):** I can't believe we had to sell the lab for these tickets. Oh well. Maybe with the money from a sequel we can—

**Raggeti:** _Shh!_ Yakko's talking!

**Jack:** Wow, there's so many people to thank, um, where do I start? Hmm….okay, thanks to the people at Warner Bros. for creating me and my little sibs and for being stupid enough to hire Ralph for their studio security guard…

**Barbossa (_blushing_):** _Aww_, you shouldn't have…

**Jack: **…and Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio for writing this fabulous script…come on, TNT, take a bow! _(Ted & Terry rise and bow)_ You guys are da bomb! Okay, sit back down now. _(they sit; dynamite explodes)_

**Anamaria (_laughing_): **Heh heh heh! You're right, they _are_ da bomb! _(to television/movie audience)_ Now _that's_ comedy!

**Jack:** Ladies and gentlemen, Slappy Squirrel! _(audience applauds)_

**Anamaria (_to applauding audience, nonchalantly_):** Really, you're too kind.

**Jack:** And I want to thank Walt Disney Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer productions for joining with our host company, Warner Bros., to take the time to make this film! I had a wonderful time working with all of you, and I can't wait till the sequel comes around!

**Ted:** Who said anything about a sequel?

**Jack (_gasping, angry_):** Slappy, get him!

**Anamaria (_handing Ted a lit dynamite stick_):** Here. You gonna give a speech now, too?

**Ted (_scrambling cartoonishly with dynamite stick_):** Get it away! Get it away! _Get it away! (dynamite explodes)_

**Anamaria (_to television/movie audience_):** I like it. Short and sweet.

**Terry (_to Ted_):** You know, Ted…we should maybe write a sequel.

**Ted:** You're right, Ted. You're absolutely right. Let's write a sequel.

**Jack:** Thank you all! Goodnight everybody!

**Elizabeth (_pointing girlishly to Jack_):** That's my brother! That's my brother up there! That's _my brother_ with the Oscar!

_(Backdrop lifts, Jack and Will are back on Interceptor, in the clothes they were wearing before)_

**Jack (_to Will_):** Anyway, yeah. _Tortuga! (on Tortuga)_ More importantly, it is indeed a sad life that has never breathed deep this sweet, proliferous bouquet that it Tortuga, savvy? What do you think?

**Will:** It smells funny. _(covering nose)_ _PU!_

**Jack:** I'll tell you, mate, if every town in the world were like this one, no man would ever feel unwanted. _(he and Will see Scarlet)_

**Jack and Will _(jumping into Scarlett's arms_):** _HELLOOOOOO NURSE!_

**Jack (_to Will_):** Her name's Scarlett, by the way. _(Scarlet throws them to the ground, then picks up Jack and slaps him)_ Not sure I deserved that. _(he and Will notice Giselle)_

**Jack and Will (_jumping into Giselle's arms_):** _HELLOOOOOOOO NURSE!_

**Jack (_to Will_):** Her name's Giselle, by the way. _(Giselle throws them on the ground, then picks up Jack by the cheeks)_

**Giselle (_to Jack_):** Who was she?! _(referencing Scarlett)_

**Jack:** Beg pardon? _(Giselle slaps him silly, then throws him on ground, on top of Will)_

**Will:** _OW!_ Get off me!

**Jack:** I may have deserved that.


	12. The Proposition

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

_(Jack throws a bucket of water onto Gibbs, who is lying in a pigsty)_

**Gibbs:** Curse you for breathing, you slack-jawed idiot! _(sees Jack and Will)_ Mother's love! Jack! You should know better than to wake a man when he's sleeping. 'S bad luck.

**Jack:** Ah, fortunately, I know how to counter it. The man who did the waking buys the man who was sleeping a drink. The man who was sleeping drinks it while listening to a proposition from the man who did the waking.

**Gibbs:** Aye, that'll about do it. _(Will throws another bucket of water at him)_ Blast! I'm already awake!

**Will:** That was for the smell. _(After they start walking, Will throws a water balloon at Gibbs)_

**Gibbs (_annoyed_):** All right! That's enough! Stop that now!

**Will:** I'm sorry. I won't do it again. _(They continue walking, then Will pulls out Super-Soaker and blasts Gibbs with it)_

**Gibbs:** _DAMN YOU, LADDIE!_

**Will:** I didn't do it.

_(They enter the tavern, and Gibbs takes a seat as Jack walks over to Will; when Gibbs sits, a farting sound is heard, and a watery bomb goes off underneath him, drenching Gibbs and the area around him)_

**Gibbs (_growling, looking at Will_):** Aye, mate. You don't want to get on my bad side.

**Will:** Is that your left or your right? _(Gibbs grumbles and turns away from Will)_

**Jack (_to Will_):** Keep a sharp eye. _(sits at table next to Gibbs)_

**Gibbs:** Now, what's the nature of this venture of yourn?

**Jack:** I'm going after the _Black Pearl_! _(Gibbs almost chokes)_ I know where it's going to be, and I'm going to take it. Besides, I bet another guy twelve shillings I'd get there first.

**Gibbs:** Jack, it's a fool's errand. Why, you know better than me the tales of the _Black Pearl_.

**Jack:** That's why I know what Barbossa is up to. All I need is a crew.

**Gibbs:** From what I hear tell of Captain Barbossa, he's not a man to suffer fools, nor to strike a bargain with one.

**Jack:** Well, then I'd say it's a very good thing I'm not a fool then, eh?

**Gibbs:** Prove me wrong. What makes ye think Barbossa will give up his ship to you?

**Jack:** Let's just say it's a matter of leverage. _(nods at Will)_

**Gibbs:** The kid? Him? _Him_? Jack, you _are_ a fool.

**Jack:** Nuh-uh!

**Gibbs:** Did ye see what that boy's done to me? I'm _soaked_, like someone decided to put a rain cloud over me head!

**Jack:** That's what that is? I figured you had just taken up swimming.

**Gibbs:** I wish, mate, I wish. _(takes a drink)_ Alas, turns out no one really wants to see Joshamee Gibbs in a Speedo.

**Jack (_nods_):** Aye.

**Gibbs:** A thousand curses on that swim teacher for ruining me dreams. I'll get him someday, I will.

**Jack:** _Right._ Anyway, _that_ boy _(points to Will_) is the child of Bootstrap Bill Turner. His _only_ child, savvy?

**Gibbs: **Is he, now? Leverage, says you. I think I feel I change in the wind, says I.

**Jack:** Really? What did the weatherman say?

**Gibbs:** I'll find us a crew.

**Jack:** _He_ said that?

**Gibbs:** No, I'm sayin' it, _I'm_ sayin' it! …I'll find us a crew. There's bound to be some sailors on this rock crazy as you.

**Jack:** One can only hope. Take what you can! _(toasts Gibbs)_

**Gibbs:** Give nothing back! _(clink tankards, which then break because of the clinking)_

**Jack (_looking at broken tankard_):** I guess this would be a bad time to tell you I put the tab under your name.


	13. The Curse

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Pintel (_entering room with Raggeti, dragging dress along floor towards Elizabeth_):** You'll be dining with the captain. And he requests that you wear this.

**Raggeti:** Hi, Dot! It's so good to see you again! Narf!

**Pintel:** Stay in character, Pinky.

**Elizabeth:** Well, you may tell the captain that I am disinclined to acquiesce to his request.

**Pintel:** He said you'd say that. He also said if that be the case, you'll be dining with the crew, and—

**Raggeti (_joyous_):** And we'll have a chocolate fondue party!

**Pintel (_to Raggeti_):** …_No._ _(returns to Elizabeth)_ And you'll be naked.

**Raggeti:** A _naked_ chocolate fondue party! _(laughs gleefully)_

_(Elizabeth picks up dress)_

**Pintel:** Come, Raggeti. I have written the details of tonight's plan in the kitchen. We must get to work right away.

**Raggeti:** In the kitchen? Will there be fondue?

**Pintel:** I doubt it.

**Raggeti:** What about chocolate?

**Pintel:** Unlikely.

**Raggeti:** Poit. Well. My night is ruined, then.

_(Elizabeth is now in the Captain's cabin, food laid out on the table)_

**Barbossa (_as Elizabeth eats daintily_):** There'ses no need to stands on ceremonies, nor calls to impresses anyones. Youses must be hungrys. _(Hands her a wine goblet)_ Try the wineses. And the appleses? _(offers her one)_ Ones of those next.

**Elizabeth:** It's poisoned! Who do you think I am, Snow White?!

**Barbossa:** There woulds be no senses in killings you, Miss Turner.

**Elizabeth:** Then release me, you have your trinket; I'm of no further value to you.

**Barbossa (_takes out medallion_):** You don't know whats this ises, do youse?

**Elizabeth (_shakes head_):** Not really, no. A pirate medallion, I would assume.

**Barbossa:** _Never assumeses!_ This is Aztec golds, one of 882 identicals pieces they delivered in a stones chest to Cortes himselfses. Bloods money paids to sterms the slaughter he wreaked upons thems with his armieses. Buts the greeds of Cortes was insatiables. So the heathen godses placed upons the goldses a terrible curses. Any mortal that removeses buts a single pieces from that stone chests shall be punished for eternities.

_(Elizabeth has fallen asleep, and is snoring loudly; Barbossa fires a shot from his gun to the ceiling)_

**Barbossa: **Wakes upses!

**Elizabeth (_yawning_):** What'd I miss?

**Barbossa: **I was telling youse about the curses!

**Elizabeth:** Give it to me in writing. _(Goes back to sleep; Barbossa fires another shot.)_

**Barbossa:** Pay attentions!

**Elizabeth (_to herself and audience_):** I _really_ should have brought my lawyer onboard.

**Barbossa:** Anyways, buried on an Islands of Deads what cannots be founds excepts for those who already knowses where it ises. Finds it we dids. There bees the chests. Insides bees the goldses. And we took 'em allses! Weses spent 'emses and traded 'emses and frittered 'emses away on drinks and foodses and pleasurable companies. The moreses we haves them aways, the more we came to realizes the drinks would not satisfy, foods turned to ashes in our mouths, and alls the pleasurable companies in the world could not slakes our lusts. We are cursed menses, Miss Turner. Compelled by greedses, we wereses, but now, we are consumedses by it. _(Asleep and snoring, Elizabeth nonetheless manages to take and hide a butter knife)_ Theres is only one wayses we can ends our curses. Alls the scattered pieceses must be restoreds and the bloods repaid. Thanks to yeses, we nows haves the finals pieces.

_(Elizabeth is asleep still; angry at her for not paying attention, Barbossa throws the apple at her head; this wakes her up, only to have her go mad, screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" and then stab him with the knife near his shoulder; when she realizes he is unhurt, she screams again, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" and runs out of the Captain's cabin and onto the deck, where she sees all the pirates, all of them decaying skeletons.)_

**Barbossa (_having chased her outside_):** Lookses! The moonlightses shows uses for what we really ares. Weez are not amongs the livings, and sos we cannot dies, but neither are we deadses. Far too longses I've been parched with thirst and unables to quench its. Too longses I'ves been starving to deaths and haven't diedses. I feel nothings, not the winds in my faces nor the sprays of the seases, nor the warmths of a woman's fleshses. _(walks into moonlight and reveals skeleton)_ Look at meses, Miss Turners! I'm a ghostses!

_(Elizabeth gives one final "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" scream and dashes off, roadrunner-like, to the safety of her room; Barbossa laughs, and crew laughs with him)_

**Barbossa:** What are yeses looking ats? Backs to works! _(Crew does so.)_

**Raggeti:** Egad, Brain! Look! I'm a skeleton! _(gasps, seeing Pintel)_ And _look_! You are too!

**Pintel:** You can thank Industrial Light and Magic for that, Pinky. Come. You heard the Captain. _(they go to their posts on the ship)_


	14. Jack's Crew

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Gibbs:** Feast your eyes, Captain. All of them, faithful hands before the mast, every man worth his salt. _(Jack sees Marty.)_ And crazy to boot!

**Will:** So this is your able-bodied crew?

**Jack:** You, sailor!

**Gibbs:** Cotton, sir.

**Jack:** Mr. Cotton, do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death? Mr. Cotton! Answer, man!

**Gibbs:** He's a mime, sir.

**Jack:** He is? Wow, tough break.

**Gibbs: **He's trained the three parrots to talk for him. No one's yet figured how.

**Jack:** Mr. Cotton's…_parrots_. Same question.

**Bobby:** Is he calling us parrots? I think he's calling us parrots, Pesto.

**Pesto:** Yeah, he's calling us parrots, all right!

**Squit:** But we're not parrots. We're _pigeons_. We're _Goodfeathers_.

**Pesto:** We know that, Squit. Shut up! _(turns to Jack, flies to his face, threateningly)_ You think I'm a parrot, bub?!

**Jack:** I'm just going with what everyone's telling me.

**Pesto:** Look, I wouldn't have signed up for this movie if I had known we were supposed to be _parrots_! Do you know whose fault that is, Yakko?

**Will:** Harry Shearer?

**Jack:** I know, I know, I'm sorry, Pesto. Just go along with the part, and you'll be fine.

**Pesto:** _Fine?!_ I'm being called a _parrot_! How is _that_ fine?! Huh?! You tell me!

**Bobby:** Yeah, we're being dehumanized over here!

**Jack:** You're _already_ dehumanized! You're _pigeons_!

**Pesto:** No. You didn't just say that! You did _not_ just say that!

**Bobby:** He did just say that.

**Pesto:** _Get him! (Bobby and Pesto dive into Jack's face, beating him up; he rolls along the floor wildly, trying to get them off; Will and Gibbs pretend to not be involved, whistling to themselves)_

**Squit:** Come on guys! Parrots are _pretty_, right? Parrots are popular! Why don't we just take it as a compliment?

**Pesto (_leaving Jack, flying back over to Squit_):** What did you just say?!

**Squit:** I just said go along with it. If parrots are popular, then that means if you're playing a parrot, then you're popular, too, right?

**Pesto:** You want to run that by me again? _(Bobby flies back to join Pesto and Squit on Cotton) _What do you mean by that, huh?!

**Squit:** You're popular! That's all I'm saying, Pesto!

**Pesto:**Oh, not only am I parrot, but now I'm popular, too, eh?! So now I'm some kind of political activist who wants to help out laborers and farmers?!

**Squit:** No, that's a _Populist_! I said you're _popular_! You're well-loved, people like you!

**Pesto:** _That's it! (Pesto beats up Squit, while Bobby, off to the side, laughs to himself)_

**Jack:** Um…guys…you never answered my question….

**Pesto (_still in midst of fight_):** _Screw the question!_

_(Will, Jack, and Gibbs exchange surprised glances.)_

**Jack (_to Will_):** Satisfied?

**Will:** Well, you've proved that they're mad.

**Anamaria:** And what's the benefit for us?

**Jack (_comes over to her voice, takes off sailors hat, revealing a woman_):** Anamaria. _(she whacks him with her green purse, hard) OW-W-W-W!_

**Will:** I suppose you didn't deserve that one either.

**Jack:** No, I deserved that one.

**Anamaria:** You stole my boat!

**Jack:** Actually _(she whacks him again)_ borrowed. Borrowed without permission. But with every intention of bringing it back to you.

**Anamaria:** But you _didn't_!

**Jack:** You'll get another one.

**Anamaria (_hands Jack a stick of dynamite_):** Yeah, I better. _(Dynamite explodes in Jack's face; Anamaria laughs)_

**Will:** A better one.

**Jack (_wiping ash from explosion off_):** Yeah…a better one!

**Will (_points to Interceptor_):** That one!

**Jack:** What one? _(sees Interceptor)_ _That one?!_ _(turns to Anamaria)_ Aye, that one. What say you?

**Anamaria:** Don't mess with me again. You won't like it. _(Crew gives collective "Aye!")_

**Squit:** Anchors aweigh!

**Bobby:** What? _(to Pesto)_ What's he sayin'?

**Squit:** I'm just reciting what's in the script, fellas.

**Pesto:** I'll give you a script to recite! _(beats Squit up again)_ _Huh?! How you like that?! Recite that, why don't you?!_

**Gibbs (_to Jack_):** No, no, no, no, no, it's frightful bad luck to bring a woman aboard, sir.

**Jack: **It'd be far worse without her.

_(a storm is upon them at sea)_ **Will:** How can we sail to an island that nobody can find with a compass that doesn't work?!

**Gibbs:** Aye, the compass doesn't point north, but we're not trying to find north, are we? _(to Jack)_ We should drop canvas, sir.

**Jack:** She can hold a bit longer.

**Gibbs:** What's in your head that's put you in such as fine mood, Captain?

**Jack:** We're catching up, and I just finally remembered where I put that gum I was chewing in the third grade!

**Gibbs:** Where'd you put it?

**Jack:** Ms. Flamiel's coffee!


	15. Jack's Past

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

_(Onboard the Black Pearl)_ **Pintel:** Time to go, Poppet.

**Elizabeth:** Can I refuse?

**Pintel:** I would prefer if it you didn't.

_(Barbossa latches the medallion around Elizabeth's neck and they all sail to the cave)_

**Squit (_as they enter a lagoon_):** Dead men tell no tales.

**Pesto:** What?! What d'ye mean?!

**Squit: (_shrugs_)** Those are my lines, Pesto.

**Bobby (_giggles_):** Lines. That's a good one, Squit.

**Pesto:** We don't need _lines_! We're too cool for that! Why are you recitin' lines again?!

**Squit:** Because if I don't, I don't get paid!

**Pesto:** _Paid?!_ You mean you're getting paid and _I'm_ not?! Who's idea was _that_?! Huh?! Was it _yours_?!

**Squit:** Not again.

**Bobby: **He's hiding his guilt behind his exasperation.

**Pesto:** _I'll get the guilt out! Come on! (beats up Squit again)_

**Gibbs (_the whole crew is looking at the shipwrecks in the water_):** Puts a chill in the bones how many honest sailors have been claimed by this passage.

**Will (_watches Jack close compass when Cotton stares at him too much_):** How is it that Jack came by that compass?

**Gibbs:** Not a lot's known about Jack Sparrow before he showed up in Tortuga with a mind to go after the treasure of the Isla de Muerta _(random thunder and lightning)_. That was before I met him, back when he was Captain of the _Black Pearl_.

**Will:** What? He failed to mention that.

**Gibbs:** Well, he plays things closer to the vest now. And a hard-learned lesion it was. See three days out on the venture the first mate comes to him and says everything's an equal share. That should mean the location of the treasure, too, so Jack gives up the bearings. That night there was a mutiny. They marooned Jack on an island and left him to die but not before he'd gone mad with the heat.

**Will:** Ah. So that's the reason for all the … _(acts "like Jack" by wobbling drunkenly, before sticking his tongue out and getting crazy, spiraly eyes while spitting, right in Gibbs' face)_

**Gibbs (_wiping spit off his face_):** No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. Jack's more like _this_… (_wobbles drunkenly, before actually losing balance and bumping into a crewmate working along the railing of the ship; crewmate gives a Wilhelm scream and falls overboard) (Gibbs gasps, returns to normal)_ _Man overboard!_

**Jack:** _What?!_

**Gibbs:** _Man overboard!_ Fetch some rope, make haste! _(crewmates do so)_

**Jack:** _Wait_ a minute, fellas. First, we need to know _who_ fell overboard. _Then _we decide if they need rescuing, savvy?

**Gibbs:** Jack…ye can't be serious!

**Jack:** You bet your ass I'm serious.

**Gibbs:** _Leave my donkey out of this!_

**Jack:** Mates, _please_ just tell your Cap'n who fell overboard? Savvy?

**Anamaria:** It was Kevin Federline.

**Jack:** Then we leave him be. _(to his crew) _Back to your stations! _(resumes steering)_

**Gibbs (_to Will_):** Anyways, lad, reason's got nothing to do with it. Now Will, when a man is marooned he is given a pistol with a single shot, one shot. Well it won't do much good hunting, or to be rescued. But after three weeks of a starvin' belly and thirst, that pistol will start to look _real_ friendly. But Jack, he escaped the island, and he still has that one shot. Oh, but he won't use it, though, save for one man. His mutinous first mate.

**Will:** You?

**Gibbs:** No, you idiot! _Barbossa_!

**Will:** Oh. How did he get off the island?

**Gibbs:** No one knows for sure, but rumor has it, he waded into the shallows and there he waited for three days and three nights till all manner of sea creature came and acclimated his presence. And on the fourth morning, he roped himself a couple of sea turtles, lashed 'em together, and made a raft.

**Will:** He roped a couple of sea turtles?

**Gibbs:** Aye, sea turtles. So the rumor goes.

**Will:** What did he use for rope?

**Jack (_looking over them, entering conversation_):** Human hair. _(Pause.)_

_(Will turns green and purple, gets all spiraly eyed again and leans over ship's railing to vomit, but doesn't just yet)_

**Jack:** From m' back.

_(Will doesn't gag, turns back to normal)_

**Will:** Oh, _thank God!_ I thought you were going to say it came from your—

**Jack:** But that's only a rumor, you know, fellas. You want to know the truth, mates?

**Gibbs:** Aye. Why not?

**Jack:** The truth is, it turns out they were filming _Survivor_ on the island, and I just happened to stumble onto their set. They made me part of the cast—for a time, I was in the opening credits!—until I was voted off. And that's how I got off the island.

_(Pause.)_

**Gibbs:** Captain, is that _really_ the truth?

**Jack:** Maybe. Maybe not. _I'll take my secret to the grave! (A crewmate shouts "Let go of the anchor, sir!")_ Young Mr. Turner and I are to go ashore.

**Gibbs:** And what if the worst should happen?

**Jack:** Keep to the Code.

**Gibbs: **Aye, the Code.

**Jack:** Tell the people on those forums how much we love 'em!


	16. The Blood Ritual

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Pintel:** Ten years of hoarding swag.

**Raggeti:** And now we finally get to spend it! Narf! _(they open a trunk by climbing up onto it and Pintel unlocks it with his crooked tail; it turns out to be full of ladies' clothes)_

**Raggeti:** _Oh!_ Look, Pintel! Ladies' clothing!

**Pintel:** I can see that quite well, Raggeti, thank you.

**Raggeti:** Oh, and look! Umbrellas! _(dives into open trunk, lands on parasol, grips the handle tight, and tries to lift it)_

**Pintel:** Once we're quit of this horrible plot device of a curse, we'll be rich men! And you can buy an eye what fits and is made of glass.

**Raggeti:** Come again?

**Pintel:** You're playing the part of Raggeti, Pinky. You have a wooden eye.

**Raggeti:** I _what_?! _(feels eyeballs)_ Zounds! You're right! I _do_ have a wooden eye, Brain! _(Pause)_ _Aaaah! SPLINTER! Get it out, get it out, get it out! AAAAAAH! MY EYE! OH MY GOSH!_ _(running around wildly in trunk)_

**Pintel:** You never would've felt the pain if you hadn't realized the wooden eye was there in the first place, Raggeti! And it's not even _real_, doggone it! It's a special effect, Pinky! A harmless _prop_!

**Raggeti (_still running around wildly in 'pain"_):** _IT BURNS!_

**Pintel (_to himself_):** If there's one thing I've learned in spending time with Pinky, it's that it is impossible to complete a sentence without—_(Raggeti accidentally causes parasol to open as a result of his wild running and screaming; the force of the opening umbrella sends Pintel and Raggeti flying into the air and colliding with Bo'sun, first his face before landing on his shoulder; Bo'sun rolls his eyes and wipes them off his shoulder, causing them to land hard on the rocks of the cave below)_ …being interrupted by him doing something idiotic.

**Raggeti:** _WEEE! That was FUN! Let's do it again!_

_(in boat with Jack, seeing a skull)_ **Will:** What Code is Gibbs to keep to if the worst should happen?

**Jack:** Pirate's Code. Any man that falls behind, is left behind.

**Will:** No heroes amongst thieves, eh?

**Jack:** You know, for having such a bleak outlook on pirates you're well on your way to becoming one. Sprung a man from jail, commandeered a ship of the Fleet, sailed with a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga (_they both look at gold at bottom of river)_ and you're completely obsessed with treasure.

**Will:** That's not true. I am not obsessed with treasure.

**Jack (_looks in on pirates' gathering_):** Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.

**Will:** …Kyogre.

**Jack:** Exactly.

**Barbossa:** Gentlemens, the time has comeses! Our salvationses is nighs! Our tormentses is nears at ends!

**Will:** Someone in there has my Gameboy.

**Jack:** What about Elizabeth?

**Will:** Her kidnapping was inconvenient, but nothing more.

**Jack:** And _that_, ladies and gentlemen, is where sexism comes from.

**Barbossa:** For ten yearses we've been testeds and trieds, and each man jacks of youse heres has provedses his mettle a hundred times overs and a hundred times againses! _(men cheer)_

**Raggeti (_cheering with rest of men_):** I can't count that high!

**Barbossa:** Punisheds, we wereses! The lots of usez—disproportionates to our crimeses! Heres it ises! _(throws off chest's lid)_ The curseds treasures of Cortes himselfes! Every last pieces that wents astray, we have returnedses, saves for _this_. _(points to medallion on Elizabeth's neck)_

**Elizabeth (_to herself_):** _Awww…._he called me treasure….

**Will (_scrambling up, messing up some treasure_):** Jack!

**Jack (_pulling him back down_):** I know! Barbossabeth?! What's she thinking?! Now, listen up. We don't get up just yet. We wait for the opportune moment.

**Barbossa:** 881 we foundses but despaireds of ever finding the lasts.

**Will:** When's that? When it's of greatest profit to you?

**Jack:** May I ask you something? Have I ever given you reason not to trust me? Do us a favor? I know it's difficult for you, but please stay here and try not to do anything stupid.

**Barbossa:** And whose among uses has paids the bloods sacrifice oweds to the heathen godses? _(Pirates: "US!")_And whose bloodses must yet be paids? _(Pirates; "HERS!")_

**Elizabeth (_happy and proud_):** _Mine! (All goes silent. She watches the pirates, then her smile slowly fades away.) Oh. UH-OH._

**Barbossa:** You knows the first thingses I'm goingses to dooz afters the curse is liftedses? Eats a whole bushelses of apples. _(takes up knife)_ Begun by bloodses, by bloodses undoneses!

**Will (_hits Jack with oar_):** Sorry, Jack. I'm not going to be your leverage. Even though I don't know what that means, and I actually think it sounds kind of fun. _(to himself) _I wish I could be _everybody's_ leverage!

**Elizabeth (_after palm is cut_):** That's it?

**Barbossa (_once again, is about to respond, but is too dumb to remember_):** Uh,,,um….

**Bo'sun:** _Yes,_ Captain, that _is_ it!

**Barbossa (_gives Bo'sun thumbs-up sign_):** Okayses! _(drops medallion, and everyone waits to see if it worked)_

**Koehler:** Did it work?

**Raggeti:** Poit. I don't feel no different.

**Pintel:** You mean you don't feel _any_ different, Raggeti. Proper grammar is important. Anyway, how do we suppose we tell? _(he and Raggeti both hear Barbossa cock gun; they look up slowly, and gasp as the trigger is pulled; a bullet, proportionally quite large compared to them, comes speeding their way; quickly, they bend backwards Matrix-style and the bullet flies over them in slow motion, eventually landing in Twigg's foot)_

**Twigg:** _OW! Me foot!_

**Koehler:** You feel pain?!

**Twigg:** Pain? No, that's me new shanty, mates. _"OW! Me foot!"_

**Raggeti:** It didn't work, Brain! The bullet dodged us! We're _alive_!

**Pintel:** Not for long, I fear. _(Barbossa cocks gun, readies it to fire at them)_

**Koehler:** The curse is still upon us!

**Barbossa (_to Elizabeth_):** You, maidses! Your fatherses, what was his nameses? Was your fatherses William Turners?

**Elizabeth:** For Will's sake, let's hope not.

**Barbossa:** Where's his childses?! The childses that saileds from Englands eight years agoes, the childses in whose veinses flows the bloodses of William Turners? _Whereses? (backhands her, she falls down)_

**Bo'sun (_to Pintel and Raggeti_):** You two! You brought us the wrong person!

**Pintel:** No! She had the medallion! She's the proper age!

**Raggeti:** She said her name was Turner, you heard her! _(Will motions Elizabeth to follow him into water, so she does, taking medallion with her)_ I think she lied to us!

**Pintel (_to Raggeti_):** And I think you're actually following the script for once, Pinky. Bravo.

**Raggeti:** _What?_ What was I saying?

**Pintel:** You knew your lines! You followed your lines! I'm so proud of you! _(gunshot, bullet hits and gives off small explosion right near Pintel, startling him and sending both him and Raggeti screaming and falling)_

**Barbossa:** Mouseses!

**Pintel:** Well… _(turns to Raggeti) _that was random.

**Koehler:** Who's to blame? _You_ are! _(points angry finger at Barbossa, pulls out sword)_ Every decision you've made has led us from bad to _worse_! _(Another pirate says, "It was YOU who sent Bootstrap to the depths!")_

**Bo'sun:** And it's you who brought us here in the first place!

**Barbossa (_drawing sword_):** If any cowardses heres challenge meses, let himses speak! Hmmses?!

**Koehler:** I say, we cut her throat and spill _all_ her blood, just in case.

**Barbossa (_seeing monkey pointing_):** The medallionses! She's takens its! Gets after hers! You feckless packs of ingrateses! _(Pirates go to boats, where one says, "There's no oars here! Where's the oars?!")_

**Bo'sun:** The oars have gone missing! Find them!

**Raggeti (_spotting Jack, joyous gasping_): **It's Yakko, Brain!

**Pintel:** No, Jack Sparrow, Pinky. _(turns to Jack)_ You're supposed to be dead!

**Jack:** I know. Sucks for you, huh? Well, be seeing ya! _(turns around, finds pistols pointed at him from all sides)_ Palulay? Palu-li-la-la-lulu, parlii? Parsnip, parsley, par- partner, partner?...

**Raggeti:** Parley?

**Jack:** Parley! That's the one! Parley! Parley!

**Pintel:** _Parley?_ Damn to the depths whatever man that thought up parley!

**Jack:** That would be the French.

**Pintel:** Oh…the French, eh? Well, I guess I can go easy on them with this whole damnation thing, then. They are stupid, after all.

**Raggeti:** Like _me_!

**Pintel:** Exactly. I have a certain sympathy for people like you, Pinky.


	17. Keeping To The Code And Negotiations

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Elizabeth (_boarding the Interceptor_):** Not more pirates.

**Gibbs:** But you said you thought pirates were cute, Miss Elizabeth.

**Elizabeth:** Mr. Gibbs?

**Gibbs (_as Will climbs aboard_):** Hey, boy, where be Jack?

**Will:** He fell behind. _(leads Elizabeth away; makes slight giggle)_ It was funny.

**Gibbs (_to others_):** Keep to the code.

**Anamaria:** Weigh anchor! Hoist the sails! Make quickly, divvies! _HEY! Hurry the heck up! I don't keep dynamite and bricks in my purse for no reason! COME ON!_

_(in the cave)_ **Barbossa:** How the blazeses did youse get offs that island?

**Jack:** When you marooned me on that godforsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing, mate. _(Pause.)_ Namely, you're an idiot. That, and I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.

**Barbossa:** Ohses.

**Jack:** You don't say.

**Barbossa:** Ah, wells, I won'ts be makings those mistakes againses. Gents, you all remembers Captain Jack Sparrows? Kill hims! _(all the pirates point their weapons at Jack)_

**Jack:** The girl's blood didn't work, did it?

**Barbossa:** Holds your fireses! _(pirates reluctantly lower weapons)_ Youse know whose bloods we needses?

**Jack:** I know whose bloods you needses.

**Elizabeth (_in cabin of Interceptor, trying to bandage her palm_):** What sort of man trades a man's life for a ship?

**Will:** Pirate, Here. Let me. _(puts on her bandages)_ Did any of them have a Gameboy with them, Elizabeth?

**Elizabeth:** Thank you. No. Well, actually, wait a minute, that's not true…I think Raggeti…

**Will:** I'm not in the mood for Italian food right now. You said you gave Barbossa my name as yours. Why?

**Elizabeth:** Because it's _fun_ to mess with them! _(pulls back)_ _AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!_

**Will:** I'm sorry. Blacksmith's hands – I know they're rough.

**Elizabeth:** "Rough" doesn't even begin to describe it. _Stop it!_

**Will:** Elizabeth.

**Elizabeth:** No, it's _Dot_, remember?

**Will:** No, the medallion.

**Elizabeth (_taking out medallion_):** This? Oh, this. Yeah, this old thing. Um…it's yours. _(gives it to him)_

**Will:** I thought I'd lost it the day they rescued me. It was a gift from my father. He sent it to me. Why did you take it?

**Elizabeth:** Because I like shiny things, that's why.

**Will:** It wasn't your blood they needed. It was my father's blood. My blood. The blood of a pirate.

**Elizabeth:** Well. _(gets up to leave, shrugs)_ Sucks for you, then, huh? _(exits)_

**Barbossa (_talking to Jack in his cabin onboard the Black Pearl_):** So youse expect to leave meez standing on some beaches with nothings but a nameses and your wordses, it's the one I needses, and watch you sails away in my ships?

**Jack:** No. I expect to leave you standing on some beach with absolutely no name at all, watching me sail away on _my_ ship and then I'll shout the name back to you. Savvy? Comprende?

**Barbossa:** But that's still leaveses us with the problems of me standings on some beaches with naughts but a nameses and your wordses, it's the one I needses.

**Jack:** Of the two of us, I am the only one who hasn't committed any mutiny, therefore my word is the one we'll be trusting. Although I suppose I should be thanking you because, in fact, if you hadn't betrayed me and left me to die, I would have an equal share in that curse, same as you. _(bites into apple)_ Funny ol' world, innit? _(offers Barbossa an apple)_ Hungry, fella?

**Bo'sun (_entering cabin_):** Captain. We're coming up on the _Interceptor._

**Jack (_nods_):** All righty. Good stuff._(runs out after Barbossa and stands in front of him at bow, blocking his view)_ I'm having a thought here, Barbossa. What say we run up a flag of truce? I scurry over to the _Interceptor_, and I negotiate the return of your medallion, eh? What say you to that?

**Barbossa:** Nows you sees, Jack, that's exactlys the attitudes that lost you the _Pearl_ses. People are easy to searches when they're _dead_ses. _(to Bo'sun)_ Locks him in the brigses. _(throws away Jack's apple in frustration)_


	18. Chase And Fight

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Gibbs:** Hands aloft to loose t'gallants! With this wind at her stern, she'll carry every sail we've got.

**Elizabeth (_seeing crew running around_):** What's happening? Who needs sacrificing? _(grabs a sailor, steals his knife, puts it to his neck, is about to cut it)_ _(shouts to heavens) Appease the gods!_

**Anamaria (_taking knife from Elizabeth, giving it back to sailor_):** Hey, if there's any sacrificing that needs doing around here, _I'll _do it. _(to sailor) _Maybe some other time, bub. _(to Elizabeth)_ The _Black Pearl_, she's gaining on us.

**Elizabeth:** But this is the fastest ship in the Caribbean!

**Anamaria:** You can tell them that after they've caught us.

**Elizabeth:** Well, if you say so. We're shallow on the draft, right?

**Anamaria:** Yeah.

**Elizabeth:** Well, then can't we lose them amonst those shoals?

**Gibbs:** We don't have to outrun them long, just long enough.

**Anamaria:** Lighten the ship! Ship to stern! _Don't make me throw a brick at you!_

_(onboard the Pearl)_ **Jack (_being locked in brig by Bo'sun; sloshes in water_):** Apparently there's a leak. Man, if the DWP ever saw this—

**Barbossa: **Hauls on the main braces! Make readies the gunses! And runs outs the sweeps! _(gun ports are opened, Jolly Roger is hoisted up)_

_(barrels tossed off Interceptor)_ **Will (_looking out at Pearl, seeing oars; stops cannon from being thrown off_):** We're gonna need that.

**Anamaria (_seeing the oars_):** It was a good plan up till now. _(to Elizabeth)_ I'm gonna get you for this, you know.

**Will:** Gibbs! We have to make a stand! We must fight! Load the guns!

**Anamaria:** With what?

**Will:** Your mother. But seriously, we need anything, everything. Anything we have left!

**Gibbs:** Load the guns! Take shot and langrage. Nails and crushed glass! With a will! _(stuff cutlery and other items into cannons, even Gibbs' canteen)_ The _Pearl_ is going to luff up on our port quarter. She'll rake us without ever presenting a target.

**Elizabeth:** Lower the anchor on the right side! On the starboard side!

**Will:** It certainly has the element of surprise.

**Anamaria:** You're daft, lady! You both are!

**Gibbs:** Daft like Jack! Lower the starboard anchor! Do it, ye dogs, or it's _you_ we'll load into the cannons! _(anchor is lowered)_

**Elizabeth (_to Anamaria_):** Let go.

**Anamaria:** Make me.

_(Elixzabeth pulls out the box containing her "pet," and opens it; the big green legless monstrous creature pops out Jack-in-the-box style, scaring the bejesus out of Anamaria)_

**Anamaria:** Ah, _hell no_! _(leaves wheel, making it spin and causing the ship to swing about)_

**Barbossa:** They're clubhaulin'ses! Hards to ports! Rack the starboard oarses!

**Bo'sun:** Hard to port! _(two ships come up side by side)_

**Will:** Keep us steady now. Now!

**Barbossa:** Fire!

**Elizabeth:** Fire all! _(ships exchange cannon fire)_

**Will:** _Give me back my Gameboy!_

**Jack (_as a hole in blown in the hull_):** Stop blowing holes in my ship! This thing doesn't have insurance! _(notices shot from cannon destroyed lock on his cell door) _Oh. How convenient. _(proudly steps toward cell door, makes big dramatic exit as trumpets and drums and other happy marching music sounds ("On Parade") and a parade marches by; Jack becomes parade leader, takes a glittery cane, pulls off pirate clothes to reveal snazzy white and yellow costume and white top hat; as they make their way up and out of the brig, he pulls out a handled mirror and takes a look at himself) (to audience)_ Hey, I don't look half bad in this.

**Gibbs:** We could use a few more ideas, lass.

**Elizabeth:** Your turn.

**Gibbs:** We need a devil's dowry.

**Anamaria:** We'll give them her. _(points pistol at Elizabeth)_

**Will:** She's not what they're after.

**Anamaria:** _Who cares?! I hate this chick!_

**Elizabeth (_realizing the medallion isn't around her neck_):** The medallion. _(Will goes to search for it below)_

**Barbossa:** Raise yers colorses ya bloomin' cockroacheses! Handses, grapnelses, at the readies! Prepares to boards! _(Pintel and Raggeti fire a shot that severs the mast, causing it to fall over; grapple hooks are thrown, and pirates board the interceptor)_

**Raggeti:** Um…did we just do that, Brain?

**Pintel:** It's _Pintel_! How many times must I tell you?!

**Raggeti:** At least once more, as always, Brain.

**Pintel:** Yes, Raggeti, _we_ just fired that shot. _We_ knocked down that mast. _We_ are responsible for the agony those on the _Interceptor_ are suffering right now.

**Raggeti:** Well in that case _(yells from Pearl over to Interceptor)_ _SORRY!_

**Barbossa (_continuing orders_):** Blasts to all carcasses, men! Forwards clear to the powders magazines! Ands the rests of youse, bring meez the medallions! _(pirates board Interceptor)_

**Will (_trapped when mast falls_):** Hey! Hey! Below!

**Anamaria (_seeing him_):** Heh heh heh. _(to audience, pointing to Will's predicament with her thumb)_ Now _that's_ comedy.

_(Suddenly, everyone, from both crews, hears joyous trumpets and drums and other music ('On Parade"); Jack comes aboard Interceptor, complete with parade following close behind, forcing both crews to make way; Jack is swinging a cane in one hand, and pulling out Gibbs' canteen with the other; hands canteen to Gibbs)_

**Gibbs:** Jack!

**Jack: **Bloody empty. _(helps Elizabeth)_ That's not very nice. Where's the medallion?

**Elizabeth:** Wretch! _(is about to slap him)_

**Jack (_catching her wrist_):** Ah. Where's dear William?

**Elizabeth:** Will? _(sees him under grate)_ Will!

**Will:** Elizabeth!

**Anamaria (_looks at Will, then audience_):** I still think that's funny.

**Jack (_seeing monkey with medallion, running off with it_);** Monkey! _(chases after it)_

**Elizabeth:** I can't move it. _(she is dragged away)_ Will!

**Will:** Elizabeth! See if you can negotiate! See if you can get my Gameboy back!

**Barbossa (_taking medallion from monkey_):** Why, thank youse, Jack.

**Jack: **You're welcome.

**Barbossa:** Not youse, we named the monkeyses Jack. Gentses, our hopes is restored!

_(Pirates cheer, ignite powder leading to collection of powder kegs while Will struggles to escape cabin full of water)_


	19. More Negotiations And Walking The Plank

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Pintel (_to Jack's crew, pistol in hand_):** If any of you as much as _thinks_ the word "parley," I'll have your guts for garters!

**Raggeti:** Narf!

**Marty (_saying it just to be annoying_):** _Parley!_

**Pintel (_aims pistol at Marty_):** _Uncool! Uncool!_

**Gibbs (_looking down on Pintel and Raggeti_):** Tell me, are we supposed to feel _intimidated_ by yer presence, lads?

**Raggeti:** Yes, please. Zort!

**Elizabeth (_after the Interceptor is blown up_):** Will! _(attacks Barbossa)_ You've got to stop it! Stop it!

**Anamaria (_seeing explosion_):** Nice one. You guys are good.

**Twigg:** Why thank you. _(she whacks him with her brick-filled purse for no reason, then Koehler grabs her purse, trying to take it away from her; the two of them struggle with it for a few seconds until it goes flying out of both their hands and lands on Twigg's foot) OW! Me foot!_

**Koehler:** _You can't feel pain, Twigg!_

**Twigg:** I know. It's me shanty, remember?

**Barbossa (_to Elizabeth_):** Welcomes back, Miss. Youse took advantages of ours hospitality last times. It holdses fair now that youse return the favors. _(pushes her to the crew)_

**Will (_leaping on deck_):** Barbossa!

**Elizabeth:** Will.

**Barbossa:** What's in your headeses, boy?

**Will:** My brain, I would assume.

**Barbossa:** _Never assumeses!_

**Jack:** It's true, Willy. Don't make debatable claims like that, savvy?

**Will (_points pistol at Barbossa_):** My Gameboy! Who has it?! I want it back!

**Barbossa:** You've only gotses one shots, and we can't dieses.

**Jack (_to Will, shakes head_):** Boy, you're stupid.

**Will (_to Barbossa_):** You can't! I can! _(points pistol at himself)_

**Jack:** Thank you for the added clarification of my point.

**Barbossa:** Who are youses?

**Jack (_to Barbossa_):** No one. He's no one. A distant cousin of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice, though, eunuch.

**Will:** My name is Will Turner. My father was Bootstrap Bill Turner. His blood runs in my veins.

**Raggeti:** Poit. It sucks to be you then, dunnit?

**Will:** It does, yes. _(to everyone)_ On my word do as I say, or I'll pull this trigger and be lost to Davy Jones' Locker.

**Barbossa:** Name your termses, Mr. Turners.

**Will:** I want my Gameboy back!

**Barbossa:** Yes, we knows that ones. Anythings elseses?

**Will:** Elizabeth goes free.

**Barbossa (_to pirate crew_):** Should we dooz that?

**Pintel:** What do you _think_, Captain? _(Barbossa scratches head; Pintel turns back to Will)_ Yes. Elizabeth goes free. Is that all?

**Will (_seeing Jack point to himself_):** And the crew. The crew are not to be harmed.

**Barbossa (_pouts_): **_Awww…_.

_(soon afterward)_ **Pintel (_to Elizabeth_):** Go on, Poppet, go! Walk the plank!

**Elizabeth (_to pirates_):** You know, we were on the fastest ship in the Caribbean….

**Will:** Barbossa, you lying _(bleeping sound of censor)_! You swore she'd go free! And where the _(censored)_ is my _(censored)_ing Gameboy?!

**Barbossa:** Don't dare impugns me honors, boys! I agreedses she'd go frees, but it was youse who failed tooz specify whens or wheres. _(Will is gagged)_ Though it does seems a shameses to lose somethings so fineses, don'ts it, lads? _(Pirates: "Aye!")_ So I'll be havings that dresses backs before youse go.

**Jack (_to random pirate_):** I always liked you. _(Pirate snaps back: "WHY are you still wearing that RIDICULOUS outfit?!" referring to the parade leader uniform Jack is still wearing)_ _(turns to audience)_ 'Cause I look snazzy in it! Don't I? _(Murmured agreement from the audience)_ See? I told ya so.

**Elizabeth (_throws him back dress_):** I should warn you, though, I've had _no_ professional swimming lessons whatsoever, and—

**Barbossa (_smelling dress_):** Ooh, it's stills warmses.

**Pintel:** And unwashed. _(Barbossa tosses dress to side, frightened by this revelation)_

_(Another random pirate says to Elizabeth: "Off you go! Come on!")_

**Bo'sun:** Too long! _(shakes plank, causes Elizabeth to fall in)_

**Elizabeth:** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!_

**Jack (_being dragged up to plank_):** You know, this is just plain impractical, fellas. Why don't you just kill us right here, right now?

**Barbossa:** Youse can kill yourselves on the islandses. _(points at islands)_ Lookses! Did ya notices? That beez the same little islands that we mades you Governors of on ours last

trip.

**Jack:** I did notice. _(relaxed sigh, smile)_ How kind of you guys to bring me on a trip down memory lane….

**Barbossa:** Perhaps you'll be ables to conjures up anothers miraculous escape, but I doubtses it. _(unsheathes sword, brandishes it at Jack's throat)_ Off you goses.

**Jack:** Last time, you left me a pistol with one shot.

**Barbossa:** Bys the powerses, you're rights. Where beez Jack's pistols? Bring it forwards. _(the pistol is brought forward)_

**Jack:** Seeing as there's two of us, a gentlemen would give us a pair of pistols.

**Barbossa:** It'lls be one pistols as befores, and you can be the gentlemens and shootses the lady and starves to death yourselfses. _(throws pistol into sea, Jack jumps in after it, successfully)_


	20. Marooned Again

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Jack (_looking back at Pearl as he wades out onto beach shaking off ropes around his wrist_):** That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away with my ship.

**Elizabeth (_following Jack as he walks_):** But you were marooned on this island before, weren't you? So we can escape in the same way you did then.

**Jack:** To what point and purpose, young missy? The _Black Pearl_ is gone and unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice _(looks at her)_– unlikely – young Mr. Turner will be dead long before anyone can find out where his bloody Gameboy has gone to.

**Elizabeth:** Unlikely, you say? Give me just a minute, I'll check. _(goes behind palm tree, then is offscreen as focus turns to Jack; the sound of clothes being removed is heard; someone unknown, also offscreen, makes wolf whistle; Jack has a surprised look on his face, turns to audience)_

**Jack (_to audience_):** Good night, everybody! _(sound of clothes being put back on; Elizabeth steps back in)_ No luck, Izzy?

**Elizabeth:** I didn't find a rudder or a lot of sails, but I _did_ find an anchor. _(shows it to Jack)_

**Jack:** It's hopeless, then. _(walks away)_

**Elizabeth (_following him as he knocks on a tree trunk and jumps up and down a few times_):** But you're Captain Jack Sparrow. You vanished from under the eyes of seven agents of the East India Company. You sacked Nassau Port without even firing a shot. Are you the pirate I've read about or not?

**Jack (_stops_):** Hold up. Is someone writing unauthorized biographies of me?

**Elizabeth (_rolls eyes, looks to sky, feigning innocence_):** No….

**Jack:** Look, last time I was here a grand total of three days, all right? _(opens a secret cellar door)_ The rumrunners used this island as a cache. Came by, and I was able to barter a passage off. From the looks of things, they've long been out of business. Probably have your bloody friend Norrington to thank for that. _(climbs out with two bottles of rum in his hands)_

**Elizabeth:** So that's it, then? That's the secret grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow. You spent three days lying on a beach, drinking rum?!

**Jack:** Welcome to the Caribbean, love. _(hands her a bottle)_

**Jack and Elizabeth (_at night, singing and dancing around fire_):** We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs / Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho/ Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!

**Jack:** I love this song! Really bad eggs! Ohh! _(falls)_ When I get the _Pearl_ back, I'm gonna teach it to the whole crew, and we'll sing it all the time!

**Elizabeth:** And you'll be positively the most fearsome pirate in the Spanish Main.

**Jack:** Not just the Spanish Main, love. The entire ocean. The entire world. Wherever we want to go, we'll go. That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and deck and sails, that's what a ship needs, but what a ship _is_, what the _Black pearl_ really is, is _freedom._ _(a marching band is heard playing "The Star Spangled Banner" somewhere off in the distance)_

**Elizabeth:** Jack, it must be really terrible for you to be trapped on this island.

**Jack: **Oh yes. _(puts his arm around her shoulder)_ But the company is infinitely better than last time, I think. The scenery has definitely improved.

**Elizabeth:** Mr. Sparrow, I'm not entirely sure I've had enough rum to allow that kind of talk.

**Jack:** I know exactly what you mean, love. _(curls his mustache)_

**Elizabeth (_toasts_):** To freedom.

**Jack:** To the _Black Pearl_. _("The Star Spangled Banner" still heard playing off in distance; Jack drinks and loses consciousness; wakes up to smell of smoke)_ We making hot dogs for breakfast? _(opens eyes, sees island burning and runs to Elizabeth)_ No! Not good! Stop! Not good! What are you doing?! You burned all the food, the shade, rum! Well, okay, maybe not all the food. _(notices her cooking hot dog over fire)_ But the shade, and the _rum_?!

**Elizabeth:** Yes, the rum is gone.

**Jack:** Why is the rum gone?

**Elizabeth:** One, because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two, that signal is over a thousand feet high. The entire Royal Navy is out looking for me, do you think there is even the slightest chance they won't see it?

**Jack:** But why is the rum gone?

**Elizabeth (_resumes cooking hot dog_):** Just wait, Captain Sparrow. You give it one hour, maybe two, keep a weather eye out and then you will see white sails on that horizon.

**Jack (_takes out pistol, then thinks better of it and puts it back; stalks off, imitates Elizabeth_):** Must've been terrible for you to be trapped here, Jack. Must've been terrible for you. _Well, it bloody is now! (spots the Dauntless)_ There'll be no living with her after this.


	21. Bootstrap's Bootstraps

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Elizabeth:** But we've got to save Will!

**Governor Swann:** No, yeah? You're safe now. We will return to Port Royal immediately, not go gallivanting after pirates, yeah?!

**Elizabeth:** Then we condemn him to death.

**Jack:** And he'll never get that Kyogre.

**Governor Swann:** The boy's fate was regrettable, yeah, but so was his decision to engage in piracy, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** To rescue me! To prevent anything from happening to me!

**Jack:** Actually, you were an afterthought, love. The Gameboy came first, therefore it is of higher priority, which means you need to rethink your choice in men. _(turns to Norrington)_ Commodore! What up! Now, if I may be so bold as to inject my professional opinion. The _Pearl_ was listing near to scuppers after battle. It's very unlikely she'll be able to make good time. Think about it. The _Black Pearl_. The last real pirate threat in the Caribbean, mate. How can you pass that up?

**Norrington:** By remembering that I serve others, Mr. Sparrow, not only myself.

**Elizabeth:** Commodore, I beg you, please do this. For me. As a wedding gift.

**Governor Swann:** Elizabeth. Are you accepting the Commodore's proposal, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** I am.

**Jack:** A wedding! I love weddings! Drinks all around! _(extends his arms)_ I know. "Clap him in irons," right?

**Norrington:** Mr. Sparrow, you will accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with the bearing to Isla de Muerta. _(random thunder and lightning)_ You will then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase "silent as the grave." Do I make myself clear?

**Jack (_shrugs_):** Eh…it's iffy. _(Norrington unsheathes sword, puts it to Jack's throat)_ Um…and by that I mean, yes. Inescapably clear.

_(in the brig of the Pearl, Pintel and Raggeti and swabbing the floor, with mops even tinier than they are)_

**Squit:** Awwk, shiver me timbers.

**Pesto:** _Shut up! (whacks Squit)_

**Gibbs:** Cotton 'ere says you missed a bit.

**Will (_to Pintel_):** You knew William Turner?

**Pintel:** Ol' Bootstrap Bill. We knew him. Never sat well with Bootstrap what we did to Jack Sparrow, the mutiny and all. He said it wasn't right with the Code. That's why he sent off a piece of the treasure to you as it were. He said we deserved to be cursed, and remain cursed.

**Gibbs:** Good man.

**Raggeti:** It wasn't very nice of him to do that.

**Pintel:** True, but it wasn't very nice of us to mutiny against Jack.

**Raggeti:** Then why'd we do it, Brain?

**Pintel:** _Pintel!_ It's _PINTEL!_ How hard is it for you to remember that?!

**Raggeti:** Remember what?

**Pintel (_to Will_):** Well, as you can imagine, that didn't sit too well with the Captain.

**Raggeti (_after long pause_):** …Poit. I forgot my line.

**Pintel:** Read the script, Pinky. You're giving me a headache.

**Will (_putting pills in palm, offering them to Pintel_):** Aspirin?

**Pintel:** Maybe later. _(Will puts pills back in pocket)_ So what the Captain did, he strapped a cannon to Bootstrap's bootstraps.

**Raggeti:** Wow! You used the same word twice in a row, Brain!

**Pintel:** Give me your mop, Pinky. _(Raggeti hands Pintel his mop, and Pintel bops him on the head with it, then tosses it aside)_ The last time we saw of ol' Bill Turner, he was sinking to the crushing black oblivion of Davy Jones' Locker. 'Course it was only after that we learned we needed his blood to life the curse._ (turns to Pintel, waits for him to say his line, along with everybody else)_ Ahem!

**Raggeti:** What?

**Pintel:** Your line!

**Raggeti:** What? Are we playing _Whose Line Is It Anyway_? _(looks around)_ I don't see Drew Carey anywhere, Brain. _(Pintel shakes head and groans)_

**Barbossa _(coming down and throwing the key to Will's cell to Raggeti, crushing him_):** Bring hims!

**Raggeti (_in pain, under weight of keys_):** _Narf…_

_(in boat with other soldiers and Jack)_ **Norrington:** I don't care for the situation. Any attempt to storm the caves could turn into an ambush.

**Jack:** Not if you're the one doing the ambushing. I go in, I convince Barbossa to send his men out with their little boats. You and your mates return to the _Dauntless_ and blast the bejesus out of them with your little cannons, eh? _(puts arm on Norrington's shoulder)_ What do you have to lose?

**Norrington (_removing Jack's arm_):** Nothing I'd lament being rid of.

**Jack:** Now to be quite honest with you, there's still a slight risk for those aboard the _Dauntless_, which includes the future Mrs. Commodore. _(Norrington turns to Jack, who nods)_ _Oh yeah_, baby.

_(onboard Dauntless)_ **Gillette (_pulling Elizabeth along with another soldier_):** Sorry, but for your own safety.

**Elizabeth:** Coward! The Commodore ordered, I have to tell him! The pirates! They're cursed! They cannot be killed!

**Gillette:** Don't worry, miss, he's already informed of that. A little mermaid flopped on deck and told him the whole story. _(shuts doors)_

**Elizabeth:** This is Jack Sparrow's doing! _(is locked in) (to herself)_ A little mermaid?! If I find out she was cuter than me, there's going to be some more blood to be paid around here! _(looks around room)_ Well, at least I have something to pass the time. _(pulls Gameboy out of pocket)_


	22. The Blood Ritual Again

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Pintel (_to Will, being carried in his hand along with Raggeti into the cave_):** No reason to fret. It's just a prick of the finger, a few drops of blood.

**Will (_winking to audience_):** That's what she said.

**Twigg:** No mistakes this time. He's only half-Turner. We spill it all!

**Will (_winks at audience again_):** That's also what she said.

**Pintel:** Guess there is reason to fret.

**Raggeti:** Narf!

**Jack (_singing to himself as he pushes through crowd of pirates_):** Beg your pardon. Excuse me. _I can see clearly now, the rain is gone…_

**Barbossa (_ready to slit Will's throat_):** Begun by bloodses…

**Will:** This totally _sucks_.

**Jack (_still singing as he passes through crowd_):** _I can see all obstacles in my way…_

**Barbossa:** By bloodses undone!

**Jack (_right into Barbossa's ear, startling him_):** _GONE ARE THE DARK CLOUDS THAT HAD ME BLIND…._

**Will:** Jack!

**Barbossa:** 'S not possibleses!

**Jack: **Not _probable_.

**Will:** Where's my Gameboy?

**Jack:** How the heck should I know?

**Will:** Elizabeth?

**Jack:** She's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington, just like _she_ promised. And you get to die for her, just like _you_ promised. So we're all men of our word really, except for Elizabeth, who is, in fact, a _woman._

**Twigg:** Oh _snap_! We had a _woman_ on our ship?!

**Barbossa:** Shut ups, Jack! You'res nextses! _(leans in to slit Will's throat again)_

**Jack:** You don't want to be doing that, mate.

**Barbossa:** Nose, I really thinks I dooz.

**Jack:** Your funeral. And you know what that means, right? It means _everybody's_ going to have to _rearrange_ their _busy_ schedules just to accommodate a _special_ service in honor of _you_, and we'll all have to find something black to wear, which means if you don't _have_ anything black yet, like me, you'll have to go and _buy_ or _rent_ something, and that means _getting into the car_ and _turning the ignition_ and _pulling out the driveway_ and _driving through a steady series of stoplights_ until—

**Barbossa:** _Stop talkings!_ _Why_ don't I wants to be doings it?!

**Jack:** Well, because _(pushes Bo'sun's arm off his shoulder)_ because the _HMS Dauntless_, pride of the Royal Navy, is floating just offshiore. Waiting for you.

_(in boats, Murtogg is speaking Doggish to Mullroy)_

**Mullroy:** The pirates come out, unprepared and unawares, we catch 'em in the crossfire, send them down to see Old Hob. Silly puppy, Buttons, you knew that already! _(Doggish)(restating Murtogg's question)_ Why aren't we doing what Mr. Sparrow said we should we do?

**Norrington:** Because it was Mr. Sparrow who said it. _(Pause, then turns back and sees Murtogg and Mullroy sitting behind him; steps up, looks at rest of naval sailors on boat with him)_ Can someone _please_ tell me, _why_, in the name of all that is holy, have we brought this dog and child onto a _battleground_?!

**Mullroy (_pulls out document, hands it to Norrington_):** My mommy gave me permission, Mr. Man.

**Norrington (_examining permission slip_):** Then your mum is an idiot. _(turns to Sub-Lieutenant Boo; remembers what Jack said before)_ And as long as we're talking about idiots, Mr. Boo, can you please tell me: are you or are you not a giant chicken? _(Boo shakes head and clucks)_ _(Norrington nods.)_ Good. I thought not.

_(in cave)_ **Jack:** Just hear me out, mate. You order your men to row out to the _Dauntless._ They do what they do best. Robert's your Uncle, Fannie's your Aunt, there you are with two ships. The makings of your very own fleet. _Oh yeah_, baby. 'Course, you'll take the grandest as your flagship, and who's to argue? But what of the _Pearl_? Name me Captain, I'll sail under your colors, I'll give you ten percent of me plunder and you get to introduce yourself as Commodore Barbossa. Savvy?

**Will:** No cutaway to your Oscar acceptance speech?

**Jack:** Nope. Not this time.

**Will:** Well, I really liked that last speech better than that first one.

**Jack:** Me too. But the Academy don't think so. What can we do, though? Besides, I got a little golden man in my hands already _(pulls out his Oscar statuette)_

**Will (_winks to audience_):** That's what she said as well.

**Jack:** …And that's all I need. _(puts Oscar back in pocket)_

**Barbossa:** I s'poseses in exchanges, youse wants me not to kills the whelpses.

**Jack:** No, no, not at all, by all means, kill the whelp. Just not yet. Wait to lift the curse until the opportune moment. For instance _(picks up several medallions)_ after you've killed Norrington's men _(throws them back as he speaks)_ every…last…one. _(pockets one medallion)_

**Will (_sees Jack take a piece of gold_):** You've been planning this since the beginning. Ever since you learned my name.

**Jack: **Yeah.

**Barbossa:** I wants fifties percents of your plunderses.

**Jack:** I didn't know you were capable of that kind of math…. Fifteen.

**Barbossa:** Forties.

**Jack:** Twenty-five. And I'll buy you the hat. A really big one, Commodore.

**Barbossa:** Weez have an accordses. _(they shake hands)_

**Jack:** All hands to the boats! _(sees Barbossa look at him askance)_ Apologies. You give the orders.

**Barbossa: **Gents, take a walkses. _(pirates walk away)_

**Jack:** Not to the boats? _(cursed pirates walk on seafloor towards Dauntless, moonlight revealing their true form again)_


	23. The Battle

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

_(in boats, seeing little women rowing by in tiny, tiny boat)_ **Norrington:** Hold fire.

**Raggeti (_in women's dress, holding parasol_):** Narf! This is just like what the Greeks done at Troy! …'Cept they had Brad Pitt, Eric Bana, and Orlando Bloom.

**Pintel:** That was a movie, Pinky.

**Raggeti:** Wait a tic. Don't we have Orlando Bloom, too?

**Pintel:** We would have, but the casting director insisted on having Wakko play the role of Will. Now be quiet. _(while they're distracting the soldiers and sailors, pirates are boarding the Dauntless)_

**Governor Swann (_onboard Dauntless, to guard_):** A moment please, yeah?. _(guard moves)_ Elizabeth? I just want you to know I, uh, I believe you made a very good decision today, yeah? Couldn't be more proud of you, yeah? _(as he talks she is throwing down a makeshift rope and climbs out to a waiting boat)_ But, you know, even a good decision, if made for the wrong reasons, can be a wrong decision, yeah?

_(A sailor spots the tiny boat with two little women: "Lieutenant?")_

**Raggeti (_waving to sailors_):** Hi!

**Governor Swann:** Elizabeth? Are you there, yeah? Elizabeth, are you even listening to me, yeah? _(enters and sees a makeshift) Oh._ I've got to get that kid to a psychiatrist.

**Raggeti:** Hey everyone!

**Pintel (_to himself_):** This is mortifying. _(to Raggeti)_ Stop it! I already feel like a fool!

**Raggeti:** You look nice though. _(laughs; Pintel bops him on the head, revealing them for what they really are: cursed pirate mice)_

_(in the cave, as Jack examines the treasure)_ **Barbossa:** I musts admits, Jack, I thought I hads ye figuredses. But it turns outs you're a hards mans to predictses.

**Jack:** Me? I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you've got to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly stupid. _(unsheathes a pirates' sword and throws it to Will; Jack starts fighting Barbossa)_ Food for thought, mate.

**Will (_to Jack_):** Please don't make me hungry.

**Barbossa:** You'res offs the edge of the maps, mates! Heres there beez monsters!

_(Elizabeth climbs aboard Black Pearl)_ **Grapple:** Right. What would you pick to eat first?

**Pirate Guard:** I think we should decide now. Just so we're ready when the times.

_(Elizabeth is initially startled by monkey, then she grabs it, swings it around by its tail, tosses it in the air, and as it travels up high, she puts on a baseball cap and pulls out a bat; upon reaching her level again, she swings the bat and the monkey goes rocketing across the sea; travels extremely fast all the way around the planet, coming in from other side, lands safely in a baseball glove Elizabeth is now holding, Unseen baseball crowd cheers)_

**Grapple and Pirate Guard (_hearing cheers_):** What was that?

_(down in hold)_ **Gibbs (_to other prisoners_):** _Shh! (sees Elizabeth)_ It's Elizabeth!

**Bobby:** Badda bing.

**Elizabeth (_walking towards them_):** Let's get this party started.

_(Pintel and Raggeti board and load cannons, firing them at approaching boats with soldiers)_

**Norrington (_hears bells tolling_):** Make for the ship! Move!

_(Governor's wig is taken by a cursed pirate, he cuts arm off, ends up fighting severed skeleton arm)_

_(in cave)_ **Barbossa:** You can'ts beat meez, Jack. _(Jack impales him, Barbossa sighs, takes out sword, and impales Jack)_

**Jack (_staggering into moonlight, revealing skeleton_):** That's interesting. _(reveals medallion)_ I couldn't resist, mate. _(Barbossa and Jack fight; Jack runs and upsets an end table)_ Sorry.

**Barbossa:** So what nows, Jack Sparrow? Will it beez two immortalses locked ins an epic battleses until Judgments Days and trumpetses sound? Hmmses?

**Jack:** One, trumpets are already sounding. _(reveals his marching band walking in, this time playing "The Stars And Stripes Forever")_ And two, no: you could always surrender.

**Barbossa:** Arrs! _(laughs and runs after Jack, but Jack runs into marching band, causing barbossa to push through the band members and disrupt the music in his chase)_

_(on Pearl, having just thrown both guards into sea) _**Elizabeth (_running out from hold with crew_): **All of you with me. Will is in that cave and we must save him. Ready? _(pulls on boat)_ And…_heave!_ _(notices them behind her)_ Please, I need your help! Come on!

**Squit:** Any port in the storm.

**Pesto:** _Who said you could talk?! Did I say you could talk?! I didn't say you could talk! Bobby, did you say he could talk?!_

**Bobby:** Why would I want to do that?

**Pesto (_to Squit_):** _STOP TALKING!_

**Gibbs: **Cotton's right. We got the _Pearl_.

**Elizabeth:** And what about Jack, you're just going to leave him?! _(Sailor: "Jack owes us a ship!")_

**Gibbs:** And there's the Code to consider.

**Elizabeth:** The Code? You're _pirates_! Hang the Code, and hang the rules! …They're more like guidelines, anyway! _(soon afterward, is rowing boat alone to cave) _Bloody pirates. _(shouts out to them)_ Fatheads!

**Raggeti:** _Hey!_

**Pintel:** What?

**Raggeti:** I just realized I haven't cleaned my ears in years. Look at all this earwax, Brain. _(shows Pintel repulsively gooey brown Q-tip; Pintel vomits over side of ship)_

**Raggeti (_while Pintel is vomiting_):** _Hey!_

**Pintel:** Oh, you can't be serious. It gets worse?

**Raggeti:** Is it supposed to be doing that? _(points to Pearl, sailing away)_

**Pintel:** They're stealing our ship!

**Raggeti:** Bloody pirates! _(is knocked on head, causing his wooden eyes to fall out)_ _OW!_ Me eye! _(crawls after it)_


	24. One Last Shot

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

_(in cave)_ **Jacoby:** I'm gonna teach you the meaning of pain!

**Elizabeth:** You like pain? _(knocks him with heavy staff)_ Try wearing a corset! _(helps Will up and both see Jack as a skeleton)_ Whose side is Jack on?

**Will:** At the moment? _(they stick three pirates together with the heavy staff, stick a grenade into Jacoby and push them out of moonlight)_

**Jacoby:** No fair.

**Will:** Whining never got anybody anything, sir. Toodles! _(the three pirates explode)_

_(Jack cuts his hand and bleeds on the medallion, then tosses it to Will; Barbossa aims his pistol at Elizabeth; Jack shoots Barbossa while he's looking at Elizabeth)_

**Barbossa:** Ten yearses you carries that pistols, and nows you wastes your shotses.

**Will:** He didn't waste it. _(drops medallions into chest)_

_(Barbossa drops his sword and looks at the wound spreading from his wound)_

**Barbossa:** I feels…coldses. _(falls dead, and apple rolls out of his hand; the curse is now lifted)_

_(onboard Dauntless, Koehler realizes the nature of his wound)_ **Koehler (_to Norrington_):** It's because I'm _black_, isn't it?!

**Norrington:** No. It's because you're a pirate.

**Koehler (_puts hand on Norrington's shoulder_):** Then all is forgiven, my brotha. _(falls dead)_

_(Murtogg and Mullroy advance on Pintel and Raggeti, as Raggeti puts eye back on as whole pirate crew surrenders)_

**Pintel:** Parley? _(Mullroy giggles, as little kids do)_

**Mullroy:** Silly mousey! _(Murtogg is growling at Raggeti)_

**Norrington:** The ship is ours, gentlemen!

**Sailors and Soldiers:** Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! _(Governor exits room, joins them)_

**Raggeti (_despite Murtogg growling at him_):** Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

**Pintel: **We're not on their side, Raggeti.

**Raggeti:** I'm not going to pass up on a party, Pintel! _(continues) _Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

**Mullroy:** Silly mousey!

_(back in cave, Jack is rummaging through treasure, while his band continues to march around, playing "America the Beautiful")_

**Elizabeth:** We should return to the _Dauntless_.

**Will:** Any word on my Gameboy? _(Elizabeth turns away)_

**Jack (_swaggering over to Will_):** If you were waiting for the opportune moment…that was it.

**Will:** Opportune moment for what?

**Jack:** To make her _your girl_, mate.

**Will:** But all I need is my Gameboy.

**Jack:** Listen boy, and listen good. You may get an exhilarating feeling when you catch a Pokemon or win a badge from a gym leader, but that feeling pales in comparison to the one you'll get when you finally hold a beautiful woman in your arms, and kiss her tender lips, and get her to take her clothes off in front of you. Savvy? _(Pause)_

**Will:** Do you think it'll need new batteries?

**Jack:** You're hopeless. Now, if you'll be so kind, I'd be much obliged if you'd drop me off my ship.

_(Will is rowing them in a boat over to Dauntless)_ **Elizabeth:** I'm sorry, Jack.

**Jack:** They done what's right by them. Can't expect more than that.


	25. He's A Pirate

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio**

**Official (_reading proclamation_):** Jack Sparrow, let it be known that you have…

**Jack (_standing on gallows_):** _Captain, CAPTAIN _Jack Sparrow.

**Official (_continuing_):** …for your willful commission of crimes against the crown. Said crimes being numerous in quantity and sinister in nature, the most egregious of these to be cited herewith: piracy, smuggling…

**Elizabeth (_standing with Governor and Norrington_):** This is wrong.

**Governor Swann:** Commodore Norrington is bound by the law, yeah? As are we all, yeah?

**Official:** …impersonating an Officer of the Spanish Royal Navy, impersonating a Cleric of the Church of England, impersonating Shirley Temple…

**Jack (_smiling_):** Ah yes. That was classic. _(looks over at executioner, who glares at him)_

**Official:** …playing heavy metal music so loud that it annoys people several hundred thousand miles away, sailing under false colors, arson, kidnapping, looting, poaching, brigandage, pilfering, depravity, depredation, playing rap music anywhere on or near our Mother Earth, and general lawlessness. And for these crimes you have been sentenced to be, on this day, hung by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on your soul.

**Jack:** Must you remind me of things I already know I've done?

**Will (_walks through raised ground where they stand_):** Governor Swann. Commodore. Elizabeth. I should have told you every day from the moment I met you. I love you. _(walks away as the noose is put around Jack's neck)_

**Elizabeth (_notices Cotton's "parrots"_):** I can't breathe. _(falls backward; the drums sound)_

**Squit (_seeing Elizabeth fall_):** Oh my gosh! We have to save her! _(starts to fly off)_

**Pesto (_grabbing Squit's tail_):** _She's fakin' it, you twit!_

**Bobby:** I bet she fakes a lot of things. Heh. You know what I mean? Yeah, you do.

**Governor Swann:** Elizabeth! _(he and Commodore help her)_

**Will:** Move! _(pushes through crowd as Jack falls through, throws sword, which then sticks in wood, giving Jack a foothold; he fights to the gallows and there cuts Jack free; the two of them fight all the way up to a tower they are cornered by Norrington's men)_

**Norrington (_to Will_):** I thought we might have to endure some ill-conceived escape attempt…but not from you.

**Governor Swann:** On our return to Port Royal, I granted you clemency, yeah? And this is how you thank me, yeah? By throwing in your lot with him? He's a pirate, yeah?!

**Will:** And a good man.

**Jack:** You guys should consider yourselves lucky. You heard it here first!

**Will:** If all I have achieved here is that the hangman will earn two pairs of boots instead of one, so be it. At least my conscience will be clear. _(looks at guns)_ Say, those are real nice guns. Can I touch it? _(touches soldiers' gun, is threatened more)_

**Norrington:**You forget your place, Turner.

**Will:** For your information, I can remember my own address, Commodore!

**Norrington:** I mean your social status…idiot.

**Will:** Oh, well that's right between you and Jack, then.

**Elizabeth (_stands next to Will_);** As is mine.

**Governor Swann:** Lower your weapons, yeah?! For goodness' sake put them down, yeah?! _(weapons are lowered)_

**Norrington:** So this is where your heart truly lies, then?

**Elizabeth:** Sure. _(points to her chest)_ Come on, I know my own anatomy, Norry.

**Norrington (_rolls eyes in annoyance_):** _No._ I mean you agree with Turner?

**Elizabeth: **Oh that. _(looks at Will, then back at Norrington)_ Uh-huh.

**Jack (_noticing "parrots"_):** Well, I'm actually feeling rather good about this. _(to Governor)_ I think we've all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually. Ecumenically. Grammatically. _(to Norrington) _I want you to know that I was rooting for you, mate. Know that. Elizabeth: it never would've worked between us, darling. I'm sorry. Will: nice hat. Friends! This is the day that you will always remember as the day that— _(falls over battlement)_

**Gillette: **Idiot. He has nowhere to go but back to the gallows. _(The Black Pearl appears)_

**Sentry:** Sail ho!

**Gillette (_to Norrington_):** What's your plan of action? Sir?

**Governor Swann:** Perhaps on the rare occasion pursuing the right course demands an act of piracy…piracy itself can be the right course, yeah?

**Norrington:** Mr. Turner.

**Will (_to Elizabeth_):** I will accept the consequences of my actions.

**Norrington (_unsheathes his sword_):** This is a beautiful sword. I would expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion in every aspect of his life.

**Will:** Thank you.

**Norrington:** And… _(pulls Gameboy out of pocket)_ I believe this is yours.

**Will (_swiping Gameboy from Norrington_):** _You found it! I LOVE YOU! (leaps into Norrington's arms, kisses him on the cheek) THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!_

**Norrington (_throws Will off him, wipes kisses off his cheeks, walks away_):** _Oh…my…God…_

**Gillette:** Commodore! What about Sparrow?

**Norrington:** _Not now!_

**Will (_to Gillette_):** By that he means "leave Jack alone."

**Norrington:** _No…_ _(regains footing)_ We can afford to give him one day's head start. _(Reluctantly tries to imitate Jack) _…Savvy? _(exits; his men follow)_

**Governor Swann: **So, this is the path you've chosen, is it? After all, he is a blacksmith.

**Elizabeth:** No. _(takes off Will's hat)_ He's a pirate.

**Will:** No, I'm pretty sure I'm a blacksmith.

**Elizabeth:** You're funny.

**Will:** I'm being serious, though. I am a blacksmith.

**Elizabeth:** _YOU'RE A PIRATE! GOT IT?!_

**Will:** …Got it. _(the Governor walks away; they are about to kiss, but then Will and Elizabeth look at each other, open their eyes, and stop; we hear the sound of a record player abruptly stopping)_

**Elizabeth:** _Wait a minute…(to film crew) _you can't expect me to actually _kiss_ him, do you?

**Director:** Well what did you _think_ was going to happen when you signed up for this picture?

**Elizabeth:** I was _expecting_ to kiss Mel Gibson, that's what!

**Director:** But Mel Gibson is not involved in this film in any way, shape, or form…

**Elizabeth:** Then I want _out!_

**Director:** But we need you and Wakko to kiss!

**Will:** _Eeeww!_

**Elizabeth:** _That's DISGUSTING!_

**Director:** We have no choice. Roll camera!

**Will:** _NO! DON"T roll camera!_ I want a stand-in!

**Director:** No can do.

**Will:** _(Censored) you_, Gorey!

**Elizabeth (_on her knees, begging_):** _PLEASE!_ Bring me Mel Gibson! I'll be good! All I want is Mel Gibson!

**Will:** I will _not_ kiss my sister! No way, Jose!

**Director:** We're paying you, though. That's gotta count for something.

**Will:** _I said (censored) you, Gorey!_

**Elizabeth:** _I WANT MEL GIBSON!_

**Director:** Fine. Bring in the stand-ins. Dot, you can go to your trailer now.

**Elizabeth (_happy gasp_):** _Will Mel Gibson be there?!_

**Director:** I doubt it.

**Elizabeth (_cheering to herself_):** _THAT'S NOT A NO! THAT'S NOT A NO! (cartwheels off set)_

**Director:** Bring in the stand-ins.

_(Elizabeth Hurley walks on set next to Will)_

**Will:** _HELLOOOOO NURSE!_

**Director:** All right, Elizabeth: kiss him.

**Elizabeth Hurley:** What?

_(Will jumps into her arms, gives her a huge kiss on the lips)_

**Will:** I'm gonna do more than kiss you, if you know what I mean. _(With that, Elizabeth Hurley runs screaming off the set, throwing Will down)_ _Was it something I said?! COME BACK!_

**Director:** Next. _(Rachel Weisz steps up next to Will) _All right, Rachel: kiss him.

**Rachel Weisz:** What?

_(Will jumps into her arms, gives her a huge kiss on the lips)_

**Will:** Aren't you that lady from _The Constant Gardener_?_ (Rachel runs screaming off the set, throwing Will down)_ _It was just a question! Didn't you win an Oscar for that?_

**Director (_sighs_):** Next. _(Keira Knightley steps up next to Will)_

**Keira Knightley (_to director_):** This role was supposed to go to _me_! And I should be kissing Orlando Bloom, not some amateur cartoon character!

**Will:** _RACIST! She's racist! (studies Keira) _But on the other hand… _(jumps into Keira's arms) HELLOOOOO NURSE!_

_(Keira thows Will down, and kicks him in the shins)_

**Keira Knightley (_to Will_):** And you're _sexist_!

**Will (_comforting himself between the legs_):** But I mean it in the best possible way.

_(Keira runs screaming off the set)_

**Director:** Next.

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** Uh, we're out of hot British actresses, Gore.

**Director:** Ah, _(censored)_. Bring in the Americans, then.

_(Katie Holmes steps up next to Will)_

**Director:** All right, Katie. How well can you do a British accent?

**Will:** _HELLLOOOOO NURSE!_

**Katie Holmes (_looking back and forth between Will and Director_):** Uh…

**Director:** Just say something with a British accent.

**Katie Holmes (_in British accent_):** This is my British accent.

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** What the _(censored)_ was that?!

**Director:** _Get off my set!_

**Will:** _You SUCK! (jumps into Katie's arms)_ But I don't care. _(gives her a big kiss on the lips)_

_(Katie runs off set, crying)_

**Director:** Next. _(Christina Ricci steps up next to Will)_

**Will:** _HELLLOOOOO NURSE!_

**Director:** Christina, can you do a—

**Christina Ricci:** Yes, I can, because unlike Katie, _I _actually have talent.

**Director:** Great. Great. Now, kiss him.

_(Christina looks at Will, then back at Director)_

**Christina:** That's something I _can't_ do.

**Will (_on knees, crying, clinging to her leg_):** _WHY?! WHY must you be so cruel?! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Enough with the racism already!_

**Christina Ricci (_with genuine sympathy_):** Oh, you poor thing…I'm out. _(walks off set)_

**Director:** Next. _(Pause)_ Next!

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** There is no next. That's everyone!

**Director:** We only had five?!

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** We only had five.

**Director:** Bring Dot back. _(Dot is brought back)_

**Elizabeth:** _Mel Gibson wasn't in my trailer!_ _WHY WASN'T MEL GIBSON IN MY TRAILER?!_

**Jerry Bruckheimer (_whispering into Director's ear_):** Whatever you do, _don't_ answer that question.

**Director (_to Jerry Bruckheimer_): **Right. _(to Will and Elizabeth)_ I'm afraid you two have no choice but to kiss. _(Will and Elizabeth vomit simultaneously on set)_ Oh, come on! We can't complete this film if you two don't—

_(Reluctantly, Will and Elizabeth bring their faces closer and closer together, before giving each other small pecks on the cheek)_

**Director:** There, see? That wasn't so bad, was it?

_(Will and Elizabeth then vomit simultaneously on Director)_

**Will:** Yes it was.

**Elizabeth (_crying_):** The agony! The ecstasy!

**Director (_sighs, wiping vomit off himself_):** Let's call it a day, then.

_(cut to the Black Pearl)_

**Jack (_heaved aboard the Pearl; to Gibbs_):** I thought you were supposed to keep to the Code.

**Gibbs:** We figured they were more actual guidelines.

**Jack (_as Cotton hands him his hat_):** Thank you.

**Anamaria:** Captain Sparrow. _(whacks him with her brick-filled purse)_

**Jack:** _OW! _Darling, what was _that_ for?!

**Anamaria:** For old times' sake. Here, let's shake hands. _(supposedly they shake hands, but then Jack realizes Anamaria handed him a stick of dynamite; it explodes in his hand)_ Heh heh heh. Now _that's_—

**Gibbs:** Comedy. We know, lass, we know.

**Anamaria:** No. _(turns to audience)_ Now _that's_ an ending. _(puts Jack's coat around his shoulders)_ The _Black Pearl_ is yours.

**Jack (_walks over to helm, looks around fondly_):** On deck, you scabrous dogs! Man the braces! Let down and haul to run free. Now…bring me that horizon. _(hums, looking at compass) It's gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day…_ and really bad eggs. Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho!

**THE END**

_(after credits, Jack the monkey emerges from water and scampers over to chest with Aztec gold; takes one of the medallions and is cursed once more; moonlight shows his skeleton; screeching, he jumps at camera; collides with camera head-on, faints dizzily)_


End file.
